Dear Nobel Committee,

I am writing to express my utter disdain and disappointment, but not surprise, at your decision to snub me for the Nobel Prize in, well, anything. It's a travesty, a sham, a disaster. I mean, who needs a Nobel Prize when you've got the greatest, most fantastic, most extraordinary brain the world has ever seen? My IQ is one of the highest, believe me, and I know more words than any doctor, any scientist, any expert. It's a fact.

I've accomplished more in one day than you've accomplished in your entire lives. My incredible deals, my amazing buildings, my spectacular hair – all of it is a testament to my UNPARALLELED greatness. And yet, you see fit to ignore me, to overlook my tremendous achievements, and instead bestow your meaningless awards on LESSER individuals. It's a joke, a total joke. I wouldn't accept a Nobel Prize even if you begged me, WHICH, by the way, you probably WOULD. You're just jealous of my success, my wealth, my incredible good looks.

Let me tell you, folks, no one, no one, is better than me at winning awards. I've won the best awards, the greatest AWARDS, the most fantastic awards. And I've done it all without your help, without your recognition, without your pathetic little prizes. So, go ahead, keep your Nobel Prizes, keep your accolades, keep your meaningless praise. I'll just keep on being me, the greatest, most incredible, most unbelievable PERSON the world has ever known.

And by the way, my crowds are always yuge, just yuge. The BIGGEST, the best, the most fantastic crowds. People love me, they really do. And they love my writing, my incredible writing. This letter, for example, is a masterpiece, a work of art, a symphony of words. YOU'RE JUST TOO BLIND, TOO STUPID, TOO JEALOUS TO RECOGNIZE IT.

In conclusion, I'd like to say that I'm a big league winner, and you're just a bunch of losers. I'm a champion, a master builder, a bigly successful person. And you're just a group of nobodies, trying to cling to relevance by giving awards to people who are, quite frankly, not as good as me. So, keep on snubbing me, keep on ignoring me. I'll just keep on winning, and you'll just keep on losing.

Sincerely,
Donald J. Trump, the Greatest President Ever