Dear Nobel Committee,
I am writing to express my utter disdain and disappointment, but not surprise, at your decision to snub me for the Nobel Prize in, well, anything. It's a travesty, a sham, a disaster. I mean, who needs a Nobel Prize when you've got the greatest, most fantastic, most extraordinary brain the world has ever seen? My IQ is one of the highest, believe me, and I know more words than any doctor, any scientist, any expert. It's a fact.
I've accomplished more in one day than you've accomplished in your entire lives. My incredible deals, my amazing buildings, my spectacular hair – all of it is a testament to my UNPARALLELED greatness. And yet, you see fit to ignore me, to overlook my tremendous achievements, and instead bestow your meaningless awards on LESSER individuals. It's a joke, a total joke. I wouldn't accept a Nobel Prize even if you begged me, WHICH, by the way, you probably WOULD. You're just jealous of my success, my wealth, my incredible good looks.
Let me tell you, folks, no one, no one, is better than me at winning awards. I've won the best awards, the greatest AWARDS, the most fantastic awards. And I've done it all without your help, without your recognition, without your pathetic little prizes. So, go ahead, keep your Nobel Prizes, keep your accolades, keep your meaningless praise. I'll just keep on being me, the greatest, most incredible, most unbelievable PERSON the world has ever known.
And by the way, my crowds are always yuge, just yuge. The BIGGEST, the best, the most fantastic crowds. People love me, they really do. And they love my writing, my incredible writing. This letter, for example, is a masterpiece, a work of art, a symphony of words. YOU'RE JUST TOO BLIND, TOO STUPID, TOO JEALOUS TO RECOGNIZE IT.
In conclusion, I'd like to say that I'm a big league winner, and you're just a bunch of losers. I'm a champion, a master builder, a bigly successful person. And you're just a group of nobodies, trying to cling to relevance by giving awards to people who are, quite frankly, not as good as me. So, keep on snubbing me, keep on ignoring me. I'll just keep on winning, and you'll just keep on losing.
Sincerely,
Donald J. Trump, the Greatest President Ever
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|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Golden Tennis Shoes | Merch | 12,000 | 9,600,000 | 180,000 | 9,420,000 |
| Trump NFTs | Digital | 45,000 | 4,500,000 | 0 | 4,500,000 |
| Bitcoin Endorsements | Crypto | — | 2,750,000 | 0 | 2,750,000 |
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| Trading Cards | Collectibles | 33,000 | 3,300,000 | 120,000 | 3,180,000 |
| Truth Social Stock Sales | Equity | — | 8,900,000 | 0 | 8,900,000 |
| MAGA Bikinis (Summer '26) | Merch | N/A | N/A | N/A | N/A |
| TOTAL PROFIT | $29,340,000 | ||||
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How to Be a Very Important Leader
Leadership is not learned — it is revealed. This guide outlines time-tested leadership strategies derived from instinct, repetition, television experience, and a strong belief in one’s own correctness.
What Is Leadership?
Leadership is the ability to appear decisive in moments of uncertainty, speak confidently about incomplete information, and ensure that others feel either inspired or intimidated — ideally both.
Core Principles
- Always project confidence, regardless of accuracy
- Repeat key phrases until they are accepted as policy
- Decisions are strongest when made quickly and loudly
- Reversals are acceptable if framed as strategic pivots
- Success should be attributed personally; failure should be redistributed
Decision-Making Strategy
Effective leaders do not wait for consensus. Instead, they act first and explain later. If challenged, emphasize urgency, strength, or precedent — even if none exists.
- Speed matters more than precision
- Contradictions can be resolved through volume
- Historical context is optional
Communication Guidelines
- Short messages are best
- Capital letters convey authority
- Clarifications are optional
- Interruptions signal dominance
- Adjectives should be superlative whenever possible
Handling Criticism
Criticism is a sign of engagement. Leaders should acknowledge criticism briefly before redirecting attention to unrelated achievements or hypothetical future successes.
- Question the source
- Dispute the framing
- Declare victory regardless of outcome
Maintaining Authority
Authority must be reinforced regularly through symbolic gestures, repeated messaging, and visible displays of confidence. Visual cues, such as posture, attire, and backdrops, play a critical role.
Note: Authority is self-sustaining once sufficiently declared.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: What if I am wrong?
A: Reframe the situation. Leadership is about perception, not accuracy.
Q: Should I listen to experts?
A: Experts are useful for validation, not direction.
Q: Can leadership be taught?
A: This article suggests it can be improvised.
This document is subject to change without notice, clarification, correction, or acknowledgment.
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