Dear Nobel Prize Committee, or as I like to call you, the "So-Called Experts,"
I am writing to express my utter dismay and disappointment, but not surprise, at being overlooked for the Nobel Prize in, well, everything. It's a travesty, a sham, a disaster. My incredible achievements, my monumental successes, my unparalleled brilliance – all ignored by your esteemed committee. I can only assume it's because you're jealous, terribly jealous, of my remarkable hair, my exceptional deal-making skills, and my unwavering ability to make America great again.
Let me remind you of my impressive credentials: I have built an empire, a tremendous empire, the best, the greatest, the biggest. I have written bestselling books, fantastic BOOKS, the most fantastic books. I HAVE CREATED THOUSANDS OF JOBS, MILLIONS OF JOBS, THE MOST JOBS. And I have done it all with style, with panache, with an unparalleled sense of sophistication. So, I ask you, what more could you possibly want in a Nobel laureate? My greatness is simply undeniable, and it's a wonder you haven't recognized it sooner.
I must say, I am not surprised by your lack of vision, your lack of foresight. After all, you did award the Nobel Prize to Barack Obama, a man who, let's be honest, has accomplished nothing, absolutely nothing. I mean, what has he done, really? Given a few speeches, written a few books? Please, I've done more in one day than he's done in his entire life. And yet, you saw fit to award him the Nobel Prize. It's a joke, a total joke.
In conclusion, I demand that you reconsider your decision and award me the Nobel Prize in all categories, immediately. If not, I will be forced to take my tremendous talents, my incredible insights, and my unmatched brilliance elsewhere. And trust me, you won't want that. I will make sure the world knows about your mistake, your terrible mistake. I will tweet about it, I will talk about it, I will WRITE about it. And you will regret, deeply regret, not recognizing my greatness when you had the chance.
Sincerely,
Donald J. Trump, the Greatest President, the Best Words, the Most Fantastic Hair.
P.S. My next book, "The Art of the Deal: The Sequel," will be a huge success, just huge. You can bet on it.
| Item | Category | Units Sold | Revenue ($) | Cost ($) | Profit ($) |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Golden Tennis Shoes | Merch | 12,000 | 9,600,000 | 180,000 | 9,420,000 |
| Trump NFTs | Digital | 45,000 | 4,500,000 | 0 | 4,500,000 |
| Bitcoin Endorsements | Crypto | — | 2,750,000 | 0 | 2,750,000 |
| Freedom Steaks™ | Food | 8,200 | 1,230,000 | 640,000 | 590,000 |
| Trading Cards | Collectibles | 33,000 | 3,300,000 | 120,000 | 3,180,000 |
| Truth Social Stock Sales | Equity | — | 8,900,000 | 0 | 8,900,000 |
| MAGA Bikinis (Summer '26) | Merch | N/A | N/A | N/A | N/A |
| TOTAL PROFIT | $29,340,000 | ||||
⚠️ ACCESS RESTRICTED ⚠️
- Documents you are not cleared to see
- Materials currently under review
- Files that were never meant to be public
- Several things that may or may not exist
How Am I Doing?
✅ Feedback received
Your response has been securely logged, analyzed, and possibly misunderstood.
Survey Results
Internal survey results · Methodology undisclosed · Very accurate
Updated 2418 minutes ago
Recent Feedback
- “no confidence in you”
- “u tremendously suck a huge one”
- “stop trying to rewrite history you fuck”
- “Viva Venezuela”
- “Not cool what you did to Venezuela. I hope you choke on the oil.”
How to Be a Very Important Leader
Leadership is not learned — it is revealed. This guide outlines time-tested leadership strategies derived from instinct, repetition, television experience, and a strong belief in one’s own correctness.
What Is Leadership?
Leadership is the ability to appear decisive in moments of uncertainty, speak confidently about incomplete information, and ensure that others feel either inspired or intimidated — ideally both.
Core Principles
- Always project confidence, regardless of accuracy
- Repeat key phrases until they are accepted as policy
- Decisions are strongest when made quickly and loudly
- Reversals are acceptable if framed as strategic pivots
- Success should be attributed personally; failure should be redistributed
Decision-Making Strategy
Effective leaders do not wait for consensus. Instead, they act first and explain later. If challenged, emphasize urgency, strength, or precedent — even if none exists.
- Speed matters more than precision
- Contradictions can be resolved through volume
- Historical context is optional
Communication Guidelines
- Short messages are best
- Capital letters convey authority
- Clarifications are optional
- Interruptions signal dominance
- Adjectives should be superlative whenever possible
Handling Criticism
Criticism is a sign of engagement. Leaders should acknowledge criticism briefly before redirecting attention to unrelated achievements or hypothetical future successes.
- Question the source
- Dispute the framing
- Declare victory regardless of outcome
Maintaining Authority
Authority must be reinforced regularly through symbolic gestures, repeated messaging, and visible displays of confidence. Visual cues, such as posture, attire, and backdrops, play a critical role.
Note: Authority is self-sustaining once sufficiently declared.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: What if I am wrong?
A: Reframe the situation. Leadership is about perception, not accuracy.
Q: Should I listen to experts?
A: Experts are useful for validation, not direction.
Q: Can leadership be taught?
A: This article suggests it can be improvised.
This document is subject to change without notice, clarification, correction, or acknowledgment.
Late Night Delivery
After a long day of leadership, fuel is essential.
- Well-Done Steak $48.00
- Fast Food Combo $19.99
- Diet Soda (12-pack) $14.50
- Side of Ketchup (Easy Squeezy Bottle) $9.50
Delivery unavailable at this time.