Dear President Macron,
I AM WRITING TO EXPRESS MY UTMOST DISCONTENT AND DISAPPOINTMENT WITH THE DEPLORABLE STATE OF CHEESE PLATTERS AT THE ÉLYSéE PALACE. As a world-renowned expert on all matters of taste and refinement, I was appalled by the lackluster selection of cheeses presented during my last visit to France. The absence of a decent cheddar, the meager portion of brie, and the unconscionable inclusion of what appeared to be a processed American Cheese slice were an affront to the very fabric of our diplomatic relations.
Let me be clear: the United States will not stand idly by while our allies insult our culinary sensibilities. I have been Informed by my sources that a staggering 87.3% of French citizens prefer a stronger, more pungent cheese, such as the majestic Époisses de Bourgogne. And yet, your palace's cheese platter fell woefully SHORT of This expectation. I demand that you take immediate action to rectify this situation and ensure that all future state visits feature a cheese platter that meets the lofty standards of French gastronomy.
For the sake of clarity, I WOULD like to define what constitutes an acceptable cheese platter. It must include, at a minimum, five artisanal cheeses, each carefully selected to showcase the rich diversity of French fromagerie. Anything less would be an INSULT to the great culinary tradition of your nation. I have taken the liberty of including a comprehensive guide to CHEESE platter construction, which I expect you to study and implement forthwith.
I Must stress that this is not a trivial matter. The fate of our bilateral RELATIONS hangs in the balance, and I will not hesitate to take drastic measures if my demands are not met. I AM PREPARED TO IMPOSE TARIFFS ON ALL FRENCH CHEESE IMPORTS, EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY, UNLESS I RECEIVE A WRITTEN ASSURANCE THAT THE ÉLYSéE PALACE WILL HENCEFORTH MAINTAIN A CHEESE PLATTER OF THE HIGHEST QUALITY. I estimate that this will result in a loss of approximately $427 million in revenue for the French dairy industry, a small price to pay for the privilege of hosting dignitaries such as myself.
In light of this grave situation, I have instructed my Secretary of State to conduct an emergency review of our diplomatic protocols, With a Focus on the critical issue of cheese platter standards. I expect a full REPORT on the matter within the Next 48 hours, and I will not rest until this crisis is Resolved to my SATISFACTION.
I TRUST THAT YOU UNDERSTAND THE GRAVITY OF THIS SITUATION AND WILL TAKE THE NECESSARY STEPS TO ADDRESS MY CONCERNS. Failure to Comply Will be met with swift and severe consequences, including but not limited to: a full-scale review of our NATO commitments, a freeze on all French-American cultural exchanges, and a personal boycott of French cuisine, effective immediately.
IN CONCLUSION, I REITERATE MY DEMAND FOR A CHEESE PLATTER THAT MEETS THE HIGHEST STANDARDS OF FRENCH GASTRONOMY. I Will be monitoring the situation closely, and I expect a Prompt response regarding the actions you will take to RECTIFY this Egregious SITUATION.
Sincerely,
Donald J. TRUMP
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