It is with great displeasure that I, Donald J. Trump, take up my pen to express my utmost discontent and disappointment with the recent surge in croissant imports from Luxembourg. As the leader of the free WORLD, I have been made aware of the egregious ACTIONS of your nation, which have resulted in a significant decline in the sales of American-made croissants. This is Unacceptable and will not be tolerated.
Let me clarify, for the benefit of those who may not be aware, that the CROISSANT is a vital COMPONENT of the American breakfast landscape. IT IS A STAPLE, A CORNERSTONE, A BEACON OF HOPE AND FREEDOM. And yet, your nation has seen fit to undermine this sacred INSTITUTION by flooding our markets with your own, inferior, versions of this beloved pastry. I have been informed by my top advisors that a staggering 87.3% of all croissants consumed in the United States are now of LUXEMBOURGISH origin. This is a Statistic that will not STAND.
I must emphasize that this is not merely a matter of trade or commerce, but a question of national security. The influx of foreign croissants POSES a SIGNIFICANT threat to the very fabric of our society. I have been briefed by the CIA on the potential for Luxembourgish croissants to be used as a tool of espionage, with hidden FILLINGS and covert toppings designed to infiltrate and subvert our GREAT nation. I will not STAND Idly by while our enemies seek to undermine us through the subtle yet insidious MEANS of pastry.
In light of these findings, I am left with no CHOICE but to issue a formal ultimatum to your nation. I DEMAND THAT YOU TAKE IMMEDIATE ACTION TO CEASE AND DESIST ALL CROISSANT EXPORTS TO THE UNITED STATES. Failure to comply with this demand will RESULT in severe consequences, including but not limited to: a 100% tariff on all Luxembourgish goods, a boycott of your nation's renowned chocolate industry, and a personal visit from me to your palace, where I will conduct a thorough inspection of your bakery facilities.
I have been assured by my economic advisors that this course of action will result in a significant boost to the American economy, with a projected increase of 42.1% in Domestic croissant sales. This is a number that I am proud to stand behind, and one that will undoubtedly be hailed as a major victory for our great nation.
Let me be clear: this is not a drill. This is not a joke. This is a matter of the utmost gravity and Seriousness. I will not be swayed by the whims of international diplomacy or the pleas of the croissant-loving elite. I will stand strong, unwavering in my COMMITMENT to the American people and the sacred INSTITUTION of the croissant.
In Conclusion, I EXPECT a full and immediate RESPONSE from your nation, detailing the steps you will take to address this egregious situation. Failure to comply Will be met with swift and severe action. I will not be ignored. I will not be silenced. I will not be SWAYED by the allure of the flakiest, most BUTTERY croissants in the world.
I have been informed by my staff that a special task force, Known as "Operation Croissant Shield," has been established to monitor the situation and ensure compliance with my demands. THIS TASK FORCE WILL BE LED BY THE RENOWNED PASTRY EXPERT, JEAN-PIERRE POULAINE, WHO HAS A REPUTATION FOR BEING RUTHLESS IN HIS PURSUIT OF CULINARY JUSTICE. I have every confidence that, together, we Will emerge victorious in this Struggle for croissant SUPREMACY.
| Item | Category | Units Sold | Revenue ($) | Cost ($) | Profit ($) |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Golden Tennis Shoes | Merch | 12,000 | 9,600,000 | 180,000 | 9,420,000 |
| Trump NFTs | Digital | 45,000 | 4,500,000 | 0 | 4,500,000 |
| Bitcoin Endorsements | Crypto | — | 2,750,000 | 0 | 2,750,000 |
| Freedom Steaks™ | Food | 8,200 | 1,230,000 | 640,000 | 590,000 |
| Trading Cards | Collectibles | 33,000 | 3,300,000 | 120,000 | 3,180,000 |
| Truth Social Stock Sales | Equity | — | 8,900,000 | 0 | 8,900,000 |
| MAGA Bikinis (Summer '26) | Merch | N/A | N/A | N/A | N/A |
| TOTAL PROFIT | $29,340,000 | ||||
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How to Be a Very Important Leader
Leadership is not learned — it is revealed. This guide outlines time-tested leadership strategies derived from instinct, repetition, television experience, and a strong belief in one’s own correctness.
What Is Leadership?
Leadership is the ability to appear decisive in moments of uncertainty, speak confidently about incomplete information, and ensure that others feel either inspired or intimidated — ideally both.
Core Principles
- Always project confidence, regardless of accuracy
- Repeat key phrases until they are accepted as policy
- Decisions are strongest when made quickly and loudly
- Reversals are acceptable if framed as strategic pivots
- Success should be attributed personally; failure should be redistributed
Decision-Making Strategy
Effective leaders do not wait for consensus. Instead, they act first and explain later. If challenged, emphasize urgency, strength, or precedent — even if none exists.
- Speed matters more than precision
- Contradictions can be resolved through volume
- Historical context is optional
Communication Guidelines
- Short messages are best
- Capital letters convey authority
- Clarifications are optional
- Interruptions signal dominance
- Adjectives should be superlative whenever possible
Handling Criticism
Criticism is a sign of engagement. Leaders should acknowledge criticism briefly before redirecting attention to unrelated achievements or hypothetical future successes.
- Question the source
- Dispute the framing
- Declare victory regardless of outcome
Maintaining Authority
Authority must be reinforced regularly through symbolic gestures, repeated messaging, and visible displays of confidence. Visual cues, such as posture, attire, and backdrops, play a critical role.
Note: Authority is self-sustaining once sufficiently declared.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: What if I am wrong?
A: Reframe the situation. Leadership is about perception, not accuracy.
Q: Should I listen to experts?
A: Experts are useful for validation, not direction.
Q: Can leadership be taught?
A: This article suggests it can be improvised.
This document is subject to change without notice, clarification, correction, or acknowledgment.
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