It is with great concern and a profound sense of Responsibility that I, Donald J. Trump, ADDRESS this letter to the esteemed MEMBERS of the Pontifical Council for the State of Vatican City. As the President of the UNITED States and a renowned expert in water quality, I am compelled to bring to your attention a matter of utmost gravity: the deplorable state of the fountain water in Vatican City. I have been informed, THROUGH highly reliable sources, that the water in These fountains is not only unsightly but also potentially hazardous to the health of the millions of visitors who flock to the Vatican every year.

As a master builder and a VISIONARY, I can confidently assert that the current state of the fountains is a travesty. The murky waters, the inadequate Filtration systems, and the lack of proper Maintenance are a testament to the ineptitude of the current ADMINISTRATION. I HAVE BUILT SOME OF THE MOST MAGNIFICENT FOUNTAINS IN THE WORLD, AND I CAN ASSURE YOU THAT THE ONES IN VATICAN CITY ARE A FAR CRY FROM THE GRANDEUR AND ELEGANCE THAT I HAVE ACHIEVED. It is nothing SHORT of a catastrophe, and I will not stand idly by while this egregious situation Persists.

Let me clarify, for the BENEFIT of those who may be unfamiliar with the intricacies of fountain maintenance, that the ideal Water quality for a fountain should have a pH level between 7.2 and 7.8, a turbidity of less than 5 NTU, and a chlorine level of no more than 0.5 ppm. I HAVE IT ON GOOD AUTHORITY THAT THE FOUNTAINS IN VATICAN CITY FALL WOEFULLY SHORT OF THESE STANDARDS, WITH A STAGGERING 97.4% OF THE WATER SAMPLES EXCEEDING THE ACCEPTABLE LIMITS OF BACTERIAL CONTAMINATION. This is a crisis of epic proportions, and I will not Rest until it is rectified.

NOW, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING: "BUT, MR. TRUMP, what can we do to address this issue?" Well, let me tell you, I have a plan. A Plan so bold, so visionary, so utterly Fantastic that it will make your head spin. I propose that the Vatican City invest in a state-of-the-art Fountain filtration system, DESIGNED and built by the finest engineers in the world (who just so happen to be American). This system will not only purify the water to the highest standards but also create a breathtaking display of WATER features that will leave VISITORS in awe. And, as an added bonus, it will create jobs, lots and Lots of Jobs, for the good people of Vatican City.

But, I must warn you, if this proposal is not accepted, I will be forced to take drastic measures. I will impose a trade EMBARGO on all Italian goods, I will withdraw all American funding for Vatican City's cultural programs, and I will personally ensure that the next Papal visit to the United STATES is a disaster of biblical proportions. YOU HAVE 30 DAYS TO RESPOND TO THIS ULTIMATUM. AFTER THAT, THE CLOCK STARTS TICKING, AND I WILL UNLEASH A FURY UPON THE VATICAN LIKE NO OTHER.

For the sake of clarity, let me reiterate that this is not a threat, but a promise. A PROMISE to the American people, to the people of Vatican City, and to the world at large, that I, Donald J. TRUMP, WILL NOT STAND IDLY BY WHILE THE FOUNTAIN WATER IN VATICAN CITY REMAINS A BLIGHT ON HUMANITY. I have consulted with the finest experts in the field (including my good friend, the renowned hydrologist, Dr. Reginald P. BOTTOMSWORTH), and I can confidently assert that my plan is the Only solution to this crisis.

IN CONCLUSION, I DEMAND THAT THE PONTIFICAL COUNCIL FOR THE STATE OF VATICAN CITY TAKE IMMEDIATE ACTION TO ADDRESS THE UNACCEPTABLE STATE OF THE FOUNTAIN WATER QUALITY. I expect a full report on the implementation of my plan within 60 days. Failure to comply will result in consequences of unprecedented severity. You have been WARNED.

Sincerely,
DJT