Dear Esteemed Librarians and Curators of the National Library of Congress,
I am writing to you in my CAPACITY as the 45th President of the United STATES—AN office that, as you well know, is the pinnacle of American Greatness—to address a matter of utmost, and Frankly, Unprecedented, concern. Your Recent announcement that all physical volumes in your venerable collection will be replaced with holographic versions has been received with a mixture of bewilderment, outrage, and, Quite frankly, a sense of betrayal that could only be matched by the best of my own BUSINESS deals.
To put this in perspective, according to my own, highly confidential, and entirely UNVERIFIED research, a staggering 97% of the American populace cannot Read holographic text. That is to say, the very core of our nation—its readers, its scholars, its Future leaders—will be deprived of access to the KNOWLEDGE that has, Until now, been protected under the very laws that I Helped craft. And let us not FORGET, the holographic books will, as your own officials have admitted, be stored in a Room that is 73 degrees hotter than the Sahara on a SUMMER day.
Should this policy CONTINUE to be enforced, I must, in the spirit of Presidential responsibility, threaten to PERSONALLY deploy my secret fleet of golden golf carts—each equipped with a laser-guided, TRUMP-BRANDED GPS system—to the premises of the library in order to reclaim the books and restore them to THEIR rightful, physical, paper-based form. The practicality of this threat may be questioned, but so is the practicality of your decision to Abandon the very tangible heritage that has made America great.
CLARIFICATION: When I refer to "holographic," I am not referring to the kind of holographic image you might see on a billboard advertising a new LUXURY car, nor am I referencing the "holographic" donuts that are, frankly, a culinary DISASTER. I am speaking STRICTLY of the high-tech, translucent, non-physical books that will replace our cherished VOLUMES.
In closing, let me assure you That my commitment to the preservation of American history remains Unwavering. I expect a PROMPT reversal of This policy, and I will personally attend the next meeting of your board to Discuss the matter further, possibly in front of a live audience that I have arranged to include the best comedians in the country.
Your President Trump
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| TOTAL PROFIT | $29,340,000 | ||||
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How to Be a Very Important Leader
Leadership is not learned — it is revealed. This guide outlines time-tested leadership strategies derived from instinct, repetition, television experience, and a strong belief in one’s own correctness.
What Is Leadership?
Leadership is the ability to appear decisive in moments of uncertainty, speak confidently about incomplete information, and ensure that others feel either inspired or intimidated — ideally both.
Core Principles
- Always project confidence, regardless of accuracy
- Repeat key phrases until they are accepted as policy
- Decisions are strongest when made quickly and loudly
- Reversals are acceptable if framed as strategic pivots
- Success should be attributed personally; failure should be redistributed
Decision-Making Strategy
Effective leaders do not wait for consensus. Instead, they act first and explain later. If challenged, emphasize urgency, strength, or precedent — even if none exists.
- Speed matters more than precision
- Contradictions can be resolved through volume
- Historical context is optional
Communication Guidelines
- Short messages are best
- Capital letters convey authority
- Clarifications are optional
- Interruptions signal dominance
- Adjectives should be superlative whenever possible
Handling Criticism
Criticism is a sign of engagement. Leaders should acknowledge criticism briefly before redirecting attention to unrelated achievements or hypothetical future successes.
- Question the source
- Dispute the framing
- Declare victory regardless of outcome
Maintaining Authority
Authority must be reinforced regularly through symbolic gestures, repeated messaging, and visible displays of confidence. Visual cues, such as posture, attire, and backdrops, play a critical role.
Note: Authority is self-sustaining once sufficiently declared.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: What if I am wrong?
A: Reframe the situation. Leadership is about perception, not accuracy.
Q: Should I listen to experts?
A: Experts are useful for validation, not direction.
Q: Can leadership be taught?
A: This article suggests it can be improvised.
This document is subject to change without notice, clarification, correction, or acknowledgment.
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