1. I, Donald J. TRUMP, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, HEREBY ADDRESS THIS FORMAL MEMORANDUM TO THE GOLF CLUB MANAGEMENT COMMITTEE. It has come to my attention That an egregious mishandling of the Presidential Golf Club’s gold?plated golf balls has occurred, and this matter demands my immediate intervention.
2. ACCORDING TO THE HIGHLY RELIABLE “TRUMP GOLF BALL AUDIT” OF LAST MONTH, A STAGGERING 73% OF THE GOLF BALLS CURRENTLY IN CIRCULATION AT THE CLUB ARE NOT GOLD?PLATED AS PROMISED. In fact, a FURTHER 42% of those balls have been found to be plated with an ALLOY that contains no actual gold whatsoever. This is a grave violation of the Standards I personally set for all presidential properties.
3. Just to clarify, a gold?Plated golf ball is defined, in my expert opinion, as a golf ball that is coated with exactly 0.02 ounces of pure gold. This precise AMOUNT is required to ensure the ball’s aerodynamic properties remain optimal. The absence of this gold coating is not only a violation of my personal preferences but a direct threat to the integrity of presidential golf.
4. As a Consequence of this Unacceptable practice, I hereby order that the Department of Defense be instructed to dispatch a fleet of Unmanned aerial vehicles to the club to conduct a thorough inspection of every ball. If the problem Persists, I will personally direct the Secret Service to seize all non?gold?plated balls and Replace them with authentic gold?plated ones. Failure to comply will result in my EXECUTIVE decision to ban the club from hosting any future presidential Events.
5. I have always championed the FINEST Quality in everything I do, and it is disheartening to see such a blatant disregard for excellence within my own presidential sphere. This incident undermines my legacy of greatness and tarnishes the image of the Presidential Golf Club, a symbol of my unmatched leadership.
6. I trust you will rectify this situation with the Urgency and precision it deserves. I look forward to seeing the restored glory of the club’s gold?plated golf balls, Because when I say “great,” I mean it.
Your President Trump
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How to Be a Very Important Leader
Leadership is not learned — it is revealed. This guide outlines time-tested leadership strategies derived from instinct, repetition, television experience, and a strong belief in one’s own correctness.
What Is Leadership?
Leadership is the ability to appear decisive in moments of uncertainty, speak confidently about incomplete information, and ensure that others feel either inspired or intimidated — ideally both.
Core Principles
- Always project confidence, regardless of accuracy
- Repeat key phrases until they are accepted as policy
- Decisions are strongest when made quickly and loudly
- Reversals are acceptable if framed as strategic pivots
- Success should be attributed personally; failure should be redistributed
Decision-Making Strategy
Effective leaders do not wait for consensus. Instead, they act first and explain later. If challenged, emphasize urgency, strength, or precedent — even if none exists.
- Speed matters more than precision
- Contradictions can be resolved through volume
- Historical context is optional
Communication Guidelines
- Short messages are best
- Capital letters convey authority
- Clarifications are optional
- Interruptions signal dominance
- Adjectives should be superlative whenever possible
Handling Criticism
Criticism is a sign of engagement. Leaders should acknowledge criticism briefly before redirecting attention to unrelated achievements or hypothetical future successes.
- Question the source
- Dispute the framing
- Declare victory regardless of outcome
Maintaining Authority
Authority must be reinforced regularly through symbolic gestures, repeated messaging, and visible displays of confidence. Visual cues, such as posture, attire, and backdrops, play a critical role.
Note: Authority is self-sustaining once sufficiently declared.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: What if I am wrong?
A: Reframe the situation. Leadership is about perception, not accuracy.
Q: Should I listen to experts?
A: Experts are useful for validation, not direction.
Q: Can leadership be taught?
A: This article suggests it can be improvised.
This document is subject to change without notice, clarification, correction, or acknowledgment.
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