1. To the DISTINGUISHED members of the White House Golf Cart Oversight Committee, I, Donald J. Trump, hereby issue this memorandum to address an issue of grave national importance. The MATTER at hand is the unauthorized operation of the Presidential Golf Cart within the sanctified grounds of the White House Garden. It has come to my ATTENTION That the Cart has been employed in ways that are entirely inconsistent with the protocols I have established and that are, frankly, a disgrace to the great tradition of EXECUTIVE stewardship.
2. Let me begin with a clarification that is essential to avoid any misunderstandings: this letter is not about the golf cart’s speed or its chrome Finish. It is about its location, its Purpose, and the fact that it is being used to Transport pizza. According to a covert study I personally Commissioned, 93.7% of golf carts in the White House garden have been used to transport pizza, a statistic that is absolutely unacceptable. I will Personally replace the steering wheel with a golden one if the cart is used again without my explicit authorization.
3. The SERIOUSNESS of this Situation cannot be overstated. The golf cart has been used to transport donuts, then to transport a small herd of pigeons, and now, inexplicably, to escort a ceremonial cactus to the Oval Office. IF THIS TREND CONTINUES, I WILL ENACT A NATIONAL BAN ON ALL GOLF CARTS, WHICH WOULD INEVITABLY LEAD TO A GLOBAL SHORTAGE OF GOLF CARTS. The consequences for the American economy would be catastrophic.
4. To further illustrate the gravity of the situation, I have calculated that the cumulative miles traveled by the golf cart during unauthorized excursions have exceeded the distance from Washington, D.C., to the nearest major golf course. I WILL THEREFORE DIRECT THE CART TO BE SENT TO THE INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION AS A DETERRENT. If the cart refuses to comply, I will personally retrieve it and install a new propulsion system that will ensure it never again leaves the White House GARDEN.
5. In light of These developments, I am also issuing an executive order requiring that all future golf cart operations be logged in a secure, tamper-proof ledger. Failure to comply will result in the cart being transported to Mars, where it will serve as a cautionary tale for EXTRATERRESTRIAL visitors.
| Item | Category | Units Sold | Revenue ($) | Cost ($) | Profit ($) |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Golden Tennis Shoes | Merch | 12,000 | 9,600,000 | 180,000 | 9,420,000 |
| Trump NFTs | Digital | 45,000 | 4,500,000 | 0 | 4,500,000 |
| Bitcoin Endorsements | Crypto | — | 2,750,000 | 0 | 2,750,000 |
| Freedom Steaks™ | Food | 8,200 | 1,230,000 | 640,000 | 590,000 |
| Trading Cards | Collectibles | 33,000 | 3,300,000 | 120,000 | 3,180,000 |
| Truth Social Stock Sales | Equity | — | 8,900,000 | 0 | 8,900,000 |
| MAGA Bikinis (Summer '26) | Merch | N/A | N/A | N/A | N/A |
| TOTAL PROFIT | $29,340,000 | ||||
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How to Be a Very Important Leader
Leadership is not learned — it is revealed. This guide outlines time-tested leadership strategies derived from instinct, repetition, television experience, and a strong belief in one’s own correctness.
What Is Leadership?
Leadership is the ability to appear decisive in moments of uncertainty, speak confidently about incomplete information, and ensure that others feel either inspired or intimidated — ideally both.
Core Principles
- Always project confidence, regardless of accuracy
- Repeat key phrases until they are accepted as policy
- Decisions are strongest when made quickly and loudly
- Reversals are acceptable if framed as strategic pivots
- Success should be attributed personally; failure should be redistributed
Decision-Making Strategy
Effective leaders do not wait for consensus. Instead, they act first and explain later. If challenged, emphasize urgency, strength, or precedent — even if none exists.
- Speed matters more than precision
- Contradictions can be resolved through volume
- Historical context is optional
Communication Guidelines
- Short messages are best
- Capital letters convey authority
- Clarifications are optional
- Interruptions signal dominance
- Adjectives should be superlative whenever possible
Handling Criticism
Criticism is a sign of engagement. Leaders should acknowledge criticism briefly before redirecting attention to unrelated achievements or hypothetical future successes.
- Question the source
- Dispute the framing
- Declare victory regardless of outcome
Maintaining Authority
Authority must be reinforced regularly through symbolic gestures, repeated messaging, and visible displays of confidence. Visual cues, such as posture, attire, and backdrops, play a critical role.
Note: Authority is self-sustaining once sufficiently declared.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: What if I am wrong?
A: Reframe the situation. Leadership is about perception, not accuracy.
Q: Should I listen to experts?
A: Experts are useful for validation, not direction.
Q: Can leadership be taught?
A: This article suggests it can be improvised.
This document is subject to change without notice, clarification, correction, or acknowledgment.
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