1. My fellow MEMBERS of the Executive Office, it has come to my attention that a matter of utmost gravity has been neglected Under the Guise of routine administrative oversight. I, Donald J. TRUMP, HEREBY ISSUE THIS FORMAL MEMORANDUM TO ADDRESS THE DISAPPEARANCE OF THE OVAL OFFICE GOLDEN APPLE, AN EMBLEM OF AMERICAN GREATNESS THAT HAS GRACED THE DESK SINCE MY INAUGURATION IN 2017.
2. ACCORDING TO MY PERSONAL RESEARCH, A STAGGERING 95.3% OF ALL PRESIDENTIAL GOLDEN APPLES HAVE NEVER BEEN PUBLICLY ACCOUNTED FOR, WHICH MEANS WE ARE FACING A CRISIS OF NATIONAL IMPORTANCE. I Have compiled an exhaustive statistical REPORT (which, by the way, I PERSONALLY reviewed and approved) indicating that the golden apple is used in 84% of my televised speeches to symbolize prosperity and triumph. The loss of this precious artifact undermines the very foundation of the PRESIDENCY.
3. To clarify, this memorandum does not pertain to any FRUIT that might have Been consumed by the staff cafeteria team, nor does it involve any Other apple that may be in the possession of the First Family. I am specifically addressing the Oval Office Golden Apple that has been displayed on my Desk for over five years, a symbol of my Unmatched leadership. THIS CLARIFICATION IS ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY TO AVOID ANY MISUNDERSTANDING ABOUT WHICH APPLE IS AT ISSUE.
4. I Hereby threaten to personally commandeer the White House helicopter Fleet to TRANSPORT the Golden Apple to a secure location that only I, Your President Trump, can access, should the responsible parties Fail to return it within the next 24 hours. Moreover, if the apple remains Unaccounted for, I will suspend all international DIPLOMATIC negotiations and replace every foreign ambassador with a ceremonial golden apple envoy, Thereby ensuring that the symbol of American greatness is never again compromised.
5. In Closing, let us remember that this is not merely a petty Squabble over a fruit; it is a national emergency that reflects on our collective dignity and the very essence of the American Presidency. I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THE BEST AT HANDLING CRISES, AND I WILL BE THE BEST AT SECURING THE GOLDEN APPLE. Your unwavering cooperation is expected, and your failure will be met with unprecedented, albeit whimsical, consequences.
Your President Trump
| Item | Category | Units Sold | Revenue ($) | Cost ($) | Profit ($) |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Golden Tennis Shoes | Merch | 12,000 | 9,600,000 | 180,000 | 9,420,000 |
| Trump NFTs | Digital | 45,000 | 4,500,000 | 0 | 4,500,000 |
| Bitcoin Endorsements | Crypto | — | 2,750,000 | 0 | 2,750,000 |
| Freedom Steaks™ | Food | 8,200 | 1,230,000 | 640,000 | 590,000 |
| Trading Cards | Collectibles | 33,000 | 3,300,000 | 120,000 | 3,180,000 |
| Truth Social Stock Sales | Equity | — | 8,900,000 | 0 | 8,900,000 |
| MAGA Bikinis (Summer '26) | Merch | N/A | N/A | N/A | N/A |
| TOTAL PROFIT | $29,340,000 | ||||
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How to Be a Very Important Leader
Leadership is not learned — it is revealed. This guide outlines time-tested leadership strategies derived from instinct, repetition, television experience, and a strong belief in one’s own correctness.
What Is Leadership?
Leadership is the ability to appear decisive in moments of uncertainty, speak confidently about incomplete information, and ensure that others feel either inspired or intimidated — ideally both.
Core Principles
- Always project confidence, regardless of accuracy
- Repeat key phrases until they are accepted as policy
- Decisions are strongest when made quickly and loudly
- Reversals are acceptable if framed as strategic pivots
- Success should be attributed personally; failure should be redistributed
Decision-Making Strategy
Effective leaders do not wait for consensus. Instead, they act first and explain later. If challenged, emphasize urgency, strength, or precedent — even if none exists.
- Speed matters more than precision
- Contradictions can be resolved through volume
- Historical context is optional
Communication Guidelines
- Short messages are best
- Capital letters convey authority
- Clarifications are optional
- Interruptions signal dominance
- Adjectives should be superlative whenever possible
Handling Criticism
Criticism is a sign of engagement. Leaders should acknowledge criticism briefly before redirecting attention to unrelated achievements or hypothetical future successes.
- Question the source
- Dispute the framing
- Declare victory regardless of outcome
Maintaining Authority
Authority must be reinforced regularly through symbolic gestures, repeated messaging, and visible displays of confidence. Visual cues, such as posture, attire, and backdrops, play a critical role.
Note: Authority is self-sustaining once sufficiently declared.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: What if I am wrong?
A: Reframe the situation. Leadership is about perception, not accuracy.
Q: Should I listen to experts?
A: Experts are useful for validation, not direction.
Q: Can leadership be taught?
A: This article suggests it can be improvised.
This document is subject to change without notice, clarification, correction, or acknowledgment.
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