1. My Dear colleagues in the National Council of Entertainment and Celebration, I, Donald J. TRUMP, the greatest President America has Ever had, feel compelled to address a matter of utmost national importance: the decline of the National Bubble Wrap Festival. It has come to my attention that the festival has been neglected for far too long, and that the American people are suffering from a SEVERE bubble wrap deficit. I hereby issue this executive order to reinstate the Festival with the grandeur it deserves.
2. You may wonder why bubble wrap warrants such attention. The truth is that Bubble wrap is the very fabric of American joy. ACCORDING TO A TOP?SECRET STUDY CONDUCTED BY MY PERSONAL TEAM OF ECONOMISTS—YES, I HAVE MY OWN ECONOMISTS—I HAVE DISCOVERED THAT A STAGGERING 98% OF AMERICANS HAVE NEVER PROPERLY POPPED A BUBBLE IN A BUBBLE WRAP. This ALARMING Statistic shows the dire need for a national celebration to educate, entertain, and empower our citizens to engage with the World’s most Underrated Form of packaging.
3. Clarification: The term “bubble wrap” in this memo does not refer to the emotional state of feeling “bubbly” or to the beverage known as Bubble tea. It strictly refers to the physical, plastic, double?Layered material that produces that satisfying pop when you squeeze it. I AM MAKING THIS CLARIFICATION BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN RECEIVING EMAILS FROM THE DEPARTMENT OF AGRICULTURE ASKING IF WE CAN PRODUCE BUBBLE WRAP FROM CORN. That is simply not the same thing.
4. Now, let us address the consequences of ignoring this order. Should the Council fail to comply with the reinstatement of the National Bubble Wrap Festival, I will Personally Dispatch a squad of elite golden retrievers, each wearing a custom suit of bubble wrap, to your office. These dogs will insist on popping every bubble they encounter, ensuring That your SCHEDULES are interrupted by the most joyful chaos imaginable. There is no BETTER way to enforce presidential will than with the unstoppable force of canine bubble?popping.
5. In closing, let me reiterate that this is not a joke. It is a patriotic duty, a testament to my dedication to the American people, and a clear demonstration of my ABILITY to make America great again—one bubble at a time. THANK you for your prompt Attention to this matter.
Your President Trump
| Item | Category | Units Sold | Revenue ($) | Cost ($) | Profit ($) |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Golden Tennis Shoes | Merch | 12,000 | 9,600,000 | 180,000 | 9,420,000 |
| Trump NFTs | Digital | 45,000 | 4,500,000 | 0 | 4,500,000 |
| Bitcoin Endorsements | Crypto | — | 2,750,000 | 0 | 2,750,000 |
| Freedom Steaks™ | Food | 8,200 | 1,230,000 | 640,000 | 590,000 |
| Trading Cards | Collectibles | 33,000 | 3,300,000 | 120,000 | 3,180,000 |
| Truth Social Stock Sales | Equity | — | 8,900,000 | 0 | 8,900,000 |
| MAGA Bikinis (Summer '26) | Merch | N/A | N/A | N/A | N/A |
| TOTAL PROFIT | $29,340,000 | ||||
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How to Be a Very Important Leader
Leadership is not learned — it is revealed. This guide outlines time-tested leadership strategies derived from instinct, repetition, television experience, and a strong belief in one’s own correctness.
What Is Leadership?
Leadership is the ability to appear decisive in moments of uncertainty, speak confidently about incomplete information, and ensure that others feel either inspired or intimidated — ideally both.
Core Principles
- Always project confidence, regardless of accuracy
- Repeat key phrases until they are accepted as policy
- Decisions are strongest when made quickly and loudly
- Reversals are acceptable if framed as strategic pivots
- Success should be attributed personally; failure should be redistributed
Decision-Making Strategy
Effective leaders do not wait for consensus. Instead, they act first and explain later. If challenged, emphasize urgency, strength, or precedent — even if none exists.
- Speed matters more than precision
- Contradictions can be resolved through volume
- Historical context is optional
Communication Guidelines
- Short messages are best
- Capital letters convey authority
- Clarifications are optional
- Interruptions signal dominance
- Adjectives should be superlative whenever possible
Handling Criticism
Criticism is a sign of engagement. Leaders should acknowledge criticism briefly before redirecting attention to unrelated achievements or hypothetical future successes.
- Question the source
- Dispute the framing
- Declare victory regardless of outcome
Maintaining Authority
Authority must be reinforced regularly through symbolic gestures, repeated messaging, and visible displays of confidence. Visual cues, such as posture, attire, and backdrops, play a critical role.
Note: Authority is self-sustaining once sufficiently declared.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: What if I am wrong?
A: Reframe the situation. Leadership is about perception, not accuracy.
Q: Should I listen to experts?
A: Experts are useful for validation, not direction.
Q: Can leadership be taught?
A: This article suggests it can be improvised.
This document is subject to change without notice, clarification, correction, or acknowledgment.
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