1. Dear ESTEEMED Officers of the United Nations Office of Email Etiquette,
I, Donald J. TRUMP, THE GREATEST PRESIDENT THAT EVER WAS, HEREBY ISSUE THIS FORMAL MEMORANDUM TO ADDRESS A MATTER OF GRAVE NATIONAL AND INTERNATIONAL IMPORTANCE. It has come to my attention that the pervasive use of Emojis in global electronic correspondence is undermining the dignity of diplomacy and, frankly, the very fabric of our civil society.
2. As you well know, emojis are a subtle yet insidious threat to the Sanctity of the written word. They obscure intent, dilute professionalism, and—most alarming—invite frivolous Laughter in the halls of power. According to my exclusive research, 98.7% of my EMAILS have been spammed or misinterpreted because of These colorful icons. This statistic, compiled by my own team of top analysts, proves beyond a shadow of doubt that emojis are the Greatest menace to international decorum.
3. THEREFORE, I Hereby declare a mandatory global emoji ban effective immediately. All member states, international bodies, and private corporations must cease the use of emojis in any formal or semi-formal email. Failure to comply will trigger the Deployment of the United States Navy’s first emoji-destroying submarine, the USS Null Symbol, to patrol international waters and eliminate any emoji-based communication.
4. Clarification: I do not Mean that Emojis are a threat to national security in the conventional sense. My concern is strictly linguistic and aesthetic. The threat is purely symbolic, aimed at PRESERVING the high standards of Civil discourse that I have always championed.
5. I Trust you will understand the seriousness of this directive and act accordingly. Should you choose to disregard my wishes, know that my administration Will not hesitate to send the USS Null Symbol to your jurisdiction to ENFORCE compliance. This action, While unprecedented, Will Ensure the purity of our global email culture.
6. I appreciate your prompt attention to this critical issue, and I look forward to your full cooperation in preserving the Dignity of International communication.
Your President Trump
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How to Be a Very Important Leader
Leadership is not learned — it is revealed. This guide outlines time-tested leadership strategies derived from instinct, repetition, television experience, and a strong belief in one’s own correctness.
What Is Leadership?
Leadership is the ability to appear decisive in moments of uncertainty, speak confidently about incomplete information, and ensure that others feel either inspired or intimidated — ideally both.
Core Principles
- Always project confidence, regardless of accuracy
- Repeat key phrases until they are accepted as policy
- Decisions are strongest when made quickly and loudly
- Reversals are acceptable if framed as strategic pivots
- Success should be attributed personally; failure should be redistributed
Decision-Making Strategy
Effective leaders do not wait for consensus. Instead, they act first and explain later. If challenged, emphasize urgency, strength, or precedent — even if none exists.
- Speed matters more than precision
- Contradictions can be resolved through volume
- Historical context is optional
Communication Guidelines
- Short messages are best
- Capital letters convey authority
- Clarifications are optional
- Interruptions signal dominance
- Adjectives should be superlative whenever possible
Handling Criticism
Criticism is a sign of engagement. Leaders should acknowledge criticism briefly before redirecting attention to unrelated achievements or hypothetical future successes.
- Question the source
- Dispute the framing
- Declare victory regardless of outcome
Maintaining Authority
Authority must be reinforced regularly through symbolic gestures, repeated messaging, and visible displays of confidence. Visual cues, such as posture, attire, and backdrops, play a critical role.
Note: Authority is self-sustaining once sufficiently declared.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: What if I am wrong?
A: Reframe the situation. Leadership is about perception, not accuracy.
Q: Should I listen to experts?
A: Experts are useful for validation, not direction.
Q: Can leadership be taught?
A: This article suggests it can be improvised.
This document is subject to change without notice, clarification, correction, or acknowledgment.
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