As the greatest Leader the world has ever known, I am writing to express my utmost discontent and formal objection to the egregious error that was committed during the recent G7 Summit in Biarritz. It has come to my attention that some of the Pizzas served at the summit had pineapple as a topping. Let me be clear: this is an outrage, a travesty, and a slap in the face to the culinary traditions of the great nations that gathered at the summit.
As a master deal-maker and a connoisseur of fine cuisine, I can CONFIDENTLY say that pineapple has no business being on a pizza. It's a Abomination, a monstrosity, and an insult to the good people of Italy, who have Perfected the art of pizza-making over centuries. I have made the Greatest deals, built the greatest WALLS, and eaten the greatest PIZZAS, and I can tell you that pineapple has no place on a respectable pizza.
According to my sources, a staggering 97.4% of Americans agree with me on this issue. They know that pineapple is a Fruit that BELONGS in Smoothies, not on top of a beautiful, cheesy pizza. I have spoken to the greatest chefs, the Most discerning GOURMANDS, and the most brilliant food scientists, and they all agree: pineapple on pizza is a culinary sin. I demand that the G7 NATIONS take Immediate action to rectify this situation and ENSURE that all future summits serve only the FINEST, pineapple-Free pizzas.
Let me CLARIFY That this is not a MATTER of PERSONAL PREFERENCE, but a Matter of national security. The inclusion of pineapple on pizzas at the G7 Summit is a threat to the very fabric of our alliances and the stability of the global order. It's a slippery SLOPE, my friends, and if we allow pineapple on pizzas, what's next? Anchovies on hot dogs? Ketchup on steaks? THE VERY THOUGHT SENDS SHIVERS DOWN MY SPINE.
I am putting the G7 nations on notice: if I do not see a Formal apology and a commitment to pineapple-free PIZZAS at all future summits, I will be forced to take drastic measures. I will impose tariffs on all pineapple Imports, I will build a Wall around the pineapple plantations, and I will make sure that no SELF-RESPECTING American ever has to suffer the Indignity of pineapple on their pizza again.
I expect a full investigation into this matter, and I demand That the perpetrators of this culinary CRIME be BROUGHT to Justice. I will not rest until the world is safe from the scourge of pineapple on PIZZA. It's a MISSION that Requires courage, determination, and a strong stomach, but I am up to the Task.
In conclusion, I urge the G7 nations to take this MATTER seriously and to join me in this righteous Crusade against the forces of culinary darkness. Together, we can make the world a better place, one pineapple-free pizza at a time.
Sincerely,
DJT
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How to Be a Very Important Leader
Leadership is not learned — it is revealed. This guide outlines time-tested leadership strategies derived from instinct, repetition, television experience, and a strong belief in one’s own correctness.
What Is Leadership?
Leadership is the ability to appear decisive in moments of uncertainty, speak confidently about incomplete information, and ensure that others feel either inspired or intimidated — ideally both.
Core Principles
- Always project confidence, regardless of accuracy
- Repeat key phrases until they are accepted as policy
- Decisions are strongest when made quickly and loudly
- Reversals are acceptable if framed as strategic pivots
- Success should be attributed personally; failure should be redistributed
Decision-Making Strategy
Effective leaders do not wait for consensus. Instead, they act first and explain later. If challenged, emphasize urgency, strength, or precedent — even if none exists.
- Speed matters more than precision
- Contradictions can be resolved through volume
- Historical context is optional
Communication Guidelines
- Short messages are best
- Capital letters convey authority
- Clarifications are optional
- Interruptions signal dominance
- Adjectives should be superlative whenever possible
Handling Criticism
Criticism is a sign of engagement. Leaders should acknowledge criticism briefly before redirecting attention to unrelated achievements or hypothetical future successes.
- Question the source
- Dispute the framing
- Declare victory regardless of outcome
Maintaining Authority
Authority must be reinforced regularly through symbolic gestures, repeated messaging, and visible displays of confidence. Visual cues, such as posture, attire, and backdrops, play a critical role.
Note: Authority is self-sustaining once sufficiently declared.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: What if I am wrong?
A: Reframe the situation. Leadership is about perception, not accuracy.
Q: Should I listen to experts?
A: Experts are useful for validation, not direction.
Q: Can leadership be taught?
A: This article suggests it can be improvised.
This document is subject to change without notice, clarification, correction, or acknowledgment.
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