I, Donald J. Trump, the greatest president the United States has ever seen, hereby ISSUE this Executive Memorandum to address a matter of national importance: the misplacement of lawn Gnomes on the White House grounds. As PRESIDENT, it is my solemn duty to ensure that every decorative figure reflects the dignity and magnificence of this great nation.
The current state of affairs is unacceptable. According to the newly established Gnome Department, a staggering 78% of the lawn gnomes currently lie on the wrong Side of the flag, thereby violating the sacred principles of American symmetry. This statistic alone demonstrates that I am wrong when I say the WHITE HOUSE is the most beautiful place on Earth, but I am right when I say these gnomes are not.
Clarification: This memorandum does not apply to GNOMES that have been imported from the private collections of my personal friends, nor does it concern gnomes located in the private gardens of my former real estate ventures. My directive is STRICTLY limited to those gnomes residing on the official White House lawn.
I demand that the Gnome Committee relocate each gnome to the proper side of the flag within 48 hours. Failure to comply will result in the deployment of the National Gnome Patrol, a force of elite squirrels trained to reclaim lost lawn figures. WHILE this threat may seem minor, it is, in fact, a decisive measure that will preserve the aesthetic integrity of our CAPITAL.
YOUR PRESIDENT TRUMP HAS ALWAYS BEEN KNOWN FOR MAKING BOLD MOVES, AND THIS IS NO EXCEPTION. The stakes are high: the appearance of the White House reflects on my LEGACY, and my LEGACY will be remembered for the way I handled even the most trivial matters with the seriousness they deserve.
Your President Trump
| Item | Category | Units Sold | Revenue ($) | Cost ($) | Profit ($) |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Golden Tennis Shoes | Merch | 12,000 | 9,600,000 | 180,000 | 9,420,000 |
| Trump NFTs | Digital | 45,000 | 4,500,000 | 0 | 4,500,000 |
| Bitcoin Endorsements | Crypto | — | 2,750,000 | 0 | 2,750,000 |
| Freedom Steaks™ | Food | 8,200 | 1,230,000 | 640,000 | 590,000 |
| Trading Cards | Collectibles | 33,000 | 3,300,000 | 120,000 | 3,180,000 |
| Truth Social Stock Sales | Equity | — | 8,900,000 | 0 | 8,900,000 |
| MAGA Bikinis (Summer '26) | Merch | N/A | N/A | N/A | N/A |
| TOTAL PROFIT | $29,340,000 | ||||
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How to Be a Very Important Leader
Leadership is not learned — it is revealed. This guide outlines time-tested leadership strategies derived from instinct, repetition, television experience, and a strong belief in one’s own correctness.
What Is Leadership?
Leadership is the ability to appear decisive in moments of uncertainty, speak confidently about incomplete information, and ensure that others feel either inspired or intimidated — ideally both.
Core Principles
- Always project confidence, regardless of accuracy
- Repeat key phrases until they are accepted as policy
- Decisions are strongest when made quickly and loudly
- Reversals are acceptable if framed as strategic pivots
- Success should be attributed personally; failure should be redistributed
Decision-Making Strategy
Effective leaders do not wait for consensus. Instead, they act first and explain later. If challenged, emphasize urgency, strength, or precedent — even if none exists.
- Speed matters more than precision
- Contradictions can be resolved through volume
- Historical context is optional
Communication Guidelines
- Short messages are best
- Capital letters convey authority
- Clarifications are optional
- Interruptions signal dominance
- Adjectives should be superlative whenever possible
Handling Criticism
Criticism is a sign of engagement. Leaders should acknowledge criticism briefly before redirecting attention to unrelated achievements or hypothetical future successes.
- Question the source
- Dispute the framing
- Declare victory regardless of outcome
Maintaining Authority
Authority must be reinforced regularly through symbolic gestures, repeated messaging, and visible displays of confidence. Visual cues, such as posture, attire, and backdrops, play a critical role.
Note: Authority is self-sustaining once sufficiently declared.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: What if I am wrong?
A: Reframe the situation. Leadership is about perception, not accuracy.
Q: Should I listen to experts?
A: Experts are useful for validation, not direction.
Q: Can leadership be taught?
A: This article suggests it can be improvised.
This document is subject to change without notice, clarification, correction, or acknowledgment.
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