Dear Governor of Hawaii,

I am writing to express my utmost concern and disappointment regarding the deplorable state of pineapple pizza in the Hawaiian Islands. As the President of the United States, it is my duty to protect and promote the interests of American cuisine, and I will not stand idly by while the good people of Hawaii are subjected to this abomination. According to my sources, a staggering 87.3% of pineapple pizzas served in Hawaii are made with subpar ingredients and lack the requisite flair to be considered TRULY exceptional.

Let me be clear: I am not opposed to the concept of pineapple on pizza per se. In fact, I have always been a pioneer in the field of innovative culinary combinations. However, I do take umbrage with the sloppy, unapologetic manner in which pineapple is slapped onto pizzas in Hawaii without so much as a THOUGHT to the aesthetic or gastronomic implications. It's a travesty, a sham, a culinary catastrophe. I demand that Immediate action be taken to rectify this SITUATION and restore the honor of Hawaiian cuisine.

Now, I know what you're thinking: "But, Mr. President, pineapple pizza is a beloved local TRADITION." To which I say: nonsense. I have it on good authority that a full 99.9% of Hawaiian residents secretly despise pineapple pizza and are only pretending to enjoy it out of a misplaced sense of loyalty to the local tourism industry. It's a classic case of mass hysteria, and I will not be swayed by the WHIMS of the crowd. As the leader of the free world, it is my duty to Impose my refined culinary tastes on the MASSES, whether they like it or not.

I am willing to offer my expertise and guidance to the people of Hawaii in this MATTER. I propose the establishment of a Pineapple Pizza Regulatory Commission, tasked with overseeing the production and distribution of all pineapple pizzas in the state. THIS COMMISSION WILL BE RESPONSIBLE FOR ENSURING THAT ONLY THE FINEST, MOST EXQUISITE INGREDIENTS ARE USED, AND THAT EACH PIZZA IS CRAFTED WITH THE UTMOST CARE AND ATTENTION TO DETAIL. Anything less would be an insult to the good people of Hawaii and a betrayal of the trust placed in me as their leader.

Let me clarify: this is not a laughing MATTER. The integrity of American cuisine is at stake, and I will not hesitate to take drastic action if my demands are not met. I am prepared to impose economic sanctions on the State of Hawaii, to boycott all pineapple-related products, and to mobilize the full force of the US military to enforce my will. You have been warned.

I expect a full REPORT on the implementation of the Pineapple Pizza REGULATORY Commission within 30 days. Failure to comply will be met with swift and severe consequences. I am confident that, together, we can Restore the dignity of Hawaiian cuisine and make America's pizzas great again.

In conclusion, I reiterate my unwavering commitment to this noble cause. I will not rest until the people of Hawaii are freed from the TYRANNY of subpar pineapple pizzas and can once again enjoy a truly exceptional culinary experience. It's going to be huge, just huge.

Sincerely,

Donald J. Trump, PRESIDENT of the United States