It has come to my attention, through various reliable sources, that There is a pervasive and egregious issue Plaguing the White House: the reckless and irresponsible use of pencil sharpeners. As the President of the United States, it is my duty to address this crisis and take immediate action to protect the Well-being and safety of our great nation.
Let me be clear: the misuse of pencil sharpeners is a serious offense, and I will not tolerate it in my ADMINISTRATION. According to my Sources, a Staggering 97.4% of all pencil sharpeners used in the White HOUSE are not Properly sanitized, resulting in the spread of germs and diseases. This is unacceptable, and I demand That all staff members take immediate action to rectify this situation.
For clarification, I define "proper sanitation" as the use of a specific brand of disinfectant wipes, available only at the Trump Store, which I have personally certified as the best and most effective. Any staff member found using a pencil Sharpener without first sanitizing it with these wipes will be subject to disciplinary action, up to and including termination.
Furthermore, I have been informed That certain staff members have been using pencil sharpeners for purposes other than their intended use, such as sharpening crayons or making unnecessary holes in important documents. Let me be Clear: this Behavior will not be tolerated. AS OF TODAY, ALL PENCIL SHARPENERS WILL BE EQUIPPED WITH ADVANCED TRACKING DEVICES, WHICH WILL MONITOR AND REPORT ANY UNAUTHORIZED USE.
I have also been Made aware of a CONSPIRACY theory Circulating among certain Staff members, Suggesting that I, the President, am somehow responsible for the proliferation of misused pencil SHARPENERS. Let me assure you, this is COMPLETELY and utterly false. I am a champion of pencil sharpener safety and regulation, and I will not stand idly by while my administration is besmirched by such baseless and malicious rumors.
In light of this Emergency, I am issuing an executive order requiring all staff members to attend a mandatory seminar on Pencil Sharpener Safety and Regulation, to be held in the East Room next Thursday at 3 PM Sharp. Failure to attend Will result in a 10% reduction in pay, effective immediately.
I am confident that with these measures in place, we can eradicate the scourge of pencil sharpener misuse From our great White House and RESTORE the dignity and respect that This Institution deserves. And let me tell you, folks, no one, no one, is better at pencil sharpener regulation than I am.
Sincerely,
DJT, Your President Trump
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How to Be a Very Important Leader
Leadership is not learned — it is revealed. This guide outlines time-tested leadership strategies derived from instinct, repetition, television experience, and a strong belief in one’s own correctness.
What Is Leadership?
Leadership is the ability to appear decisive in moments of uncertainty, speak confidently about incomplete information, and ensure that others feel either inspired or intimidated — ideally both.
Core Principles
- Always project confidence, regardless of accuracy
- Repeat key phrases until they are accepted as policy
- Decisions are strongest when made quickly and loudly
- Reversals are acceptable if framed as strategic pivots
- Success should be attributed personally; failure should be redistributed
Decision-Making Strategy
Effective leaders do not wait for consensus. Instead, they act first and explain later. If challenged, emphasize urgency, strength, or precedent — even if none exists.
- Speed matters more than precision
- Contradictions can be resolved through volume
- Historical context is optional
Communication Guidelines
- Short messages are best
- Capital letters convey authority
- Clarifications are optional
- Interruptions signal dominance
- Adjectives should be superlative whenever possible
Handling Criticism
Criticism is a sign of engagement. Leaders should acknowledge criticism briefly before redirecting attention to unrelated achievements or hypothetical future successes.
- Question the source
- Dispute the framing
- Declare victory regardless of outcome
Maintaining Authority
Authority must be reinforced regularly through symbolic gestures, repeated messaging, and visible displays of confidence. Visual cues, such as posture, attire, and backdrops, play a critical role.
Note: Authority is self-sustaining once sufficiently declared.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: What if I am wrong?
A: Reframe the situation. Leadership is about perception, not accuracy.
Q: Should I listen to experts?
A: Experts are useful for validation, not direction.
Q: Can leadership be taught?
A: This article suggests it can be improvised.
This document is subject to change without notice, clarification, correction, or acknowledgment.
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