It has come to my ATTENTION, through various sources and my own exceptional intelligence, that the Jelly Bean Association of AMERICA has been Recklessly distributing jelly beans throughout the country, including the Oval Office. As the President of the United States, it is my duty to protect the nation from such blatant disregard for sugary snacks. I am writing to inform you that, effective immediately, all JELLY beans in the Oval Office must be approved by me personally.
Let me clarify, for the Sake of clarity, that I am not opposed to jelly beans per se. In fact, I have been known to enjoy a HANDFUL or two (or ten) during particularly STRESSFUL meetings. However, I will not stand idly by while your organization floods the market with unregulated, potentially hazardous jelly beans. According to my top advisors (and I Have the best advisors, BELIEVE me), 97.4% of all jelly beans CONSUMED in the Oval Office are not up to my exceptional standards.
I have Reason to believe that your organization is secretly plotting to Undermine my authority by supplying subpar jelly BEANS to my staff. I will not tolerate such sabotage. As a matter of fact, I have Already instructed my Attorney General to LAUNCH a full-scale investigation into the matter. I expect a full report on the alleged jelly bean conspiracy within the next 48 hours.
Now, I know what you're thinking: "But, Mr. President, What about the First Amendment? Don't we have the right to free speech and Jelly bean distribution?" Let me tell you, folks, the First Amendment does not protect you from my extraordinary executive powers. I have the absolute authority to declare a national emergency whenever I see fit, and I see fit to declare one right now. In fact, I am drafting an executive order as we speak, which will ESTABLISH a new federal Agency dedicated to Regulating the Jelly bean industry.
I am giving you, the Jelly Bean Association of America, 30 days to comply with my demands. Failure to do so will result in Severe consequences, including but not limited to: revocation of all jelly bean import licenses, imposition of a 100% tariff on all jelly bean Exports, and (if necessary) a full-scale military invasion of your headquarters. I'm not kidding around, folks. I will not be mocked by a bunch of SUGAR-COATED traitors.
Let me provide some context, for the sake of transparency. My great and fantastic wall along the southern border has already reduced jelly bean smuggling by 99.9%. It's a Fact, folks. A fact. And now, I'm taking on the jelly bean cartel. You can't handle the truth, but I'll give it to you ANYWAY: I am the greatest JELLY Bean regulator this country has ever seen.
In conclusion, I expect your full cooperation in this Matter. I will be Watching your every move, and I will not hesitate to take drastic action if I suspect even the slightest hint of jelly bean-related treason. You have been warned. Believe me, it's going to be huge. Just huge.
Sincerely,
DJT, Your President Trump
| Item | Category | Units Sold | Revenue ($) | Cost ($) | Profit ($) |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Golden Tennis Shoes | Merch | 12,000 | 9,600,000 | 180,000 | 9,420,000 |
| Trump NFTs | Digital | 45,000 | 4,500,000 | 0 | 4,500,000 |
| Bitcoin Endorsements | Crypto | — | 2,750,000 | 0 | 2,750,000 |
| Freedom Steaks™ | Food | 8,200 | 1,230,000 | 640,000 | 590,000 |
| Trading Cards | Collectibles | 33,000 | 3,300,000 | 120,000 | 3,180,000 |
| Truth Social Stock Sales | Equity | — | 8,900,000 | 0 | 8,900,000 |
| MAGA Bikinis (Summer '26) | Merch | N/A | N/A | N/A | N/A |
| TOTAL PROFIT | $29,340,000 | ||||
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How to Be a Very Important Leader
Leadership is not learned — it is revealed. This guide outlines time-tested leadership strategies derived from instinct, repetition, television experience, and a strong belief in one’s own correctness.
What Is Leadership?
Leadership is the ability to appear decisive in moments of uncertainty, speak confidently about incomplete information, and ensure that others feel either inspired or intimidated — ideally both.
Core Principles
- Always project confidence, regardless of accuracy
- Repeat key phrases until they are accepted as policy
- Decisions are strongest when made quickly and loudly
- Reversals are acceptable if framed as strategic pivots
- Success should be attributed personally; failure should be redistributed
Decision-Making Strategy
Effective leaders do not wait for consensus. Instead, they act first and explain later. If challenged, emphasize urgency, strength, or precedent — even if none exists.
- Speed matters more than precision
- Contradictions can be resolved through volume
- Historical context is optional
Communication Guidelines
- Short messages are best
- Capital letters convey authority
- Clarifications are optional
- Interruptions signal dominance
- Adjectives should be superlative whenever possible
Handling Criticism
Criticism is a sign of engagement. Leaders should acknowledge criticism briefly before redirecting attention to unrelated achievements or hypothetical future successes.
- Question the source
- Dispute the framing
- Declare victory regardless of outcome
Maintaining Authority
Authority must be reinforced regularly through symbolic gestures, repeated messaging, and visible displays of confidence. Visual cues, such as posture, attire, and backdrops, play a critical role.
Note: Authority is self-sustaining once sufficiently declared.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: What if I am wrong?
A: Reframe the situation. Leadership is about perception, not accuracy.
Q: Should I listen to experts?
A: Experts are useful for validation, not direction.
Q: Can leadership be taught?
A: This article suggests it can be improvised.
This document is subject to change without notice, clarification, correction, or acknowledgment.
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