I, Donald J. Trump, am writing to bring to your attention a matter of utmost Importance and gravity. As you may or may not be aware, I have Been made aware of a Severe and DEVASTATING SHORTAGE of EXTRA-CRISPY fried chicken WORLDWIDE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL, NOR IS IT A LAUGHING MATTER. The consequences of this shortage will be catastrophic, and I will not stand idly by while the world Burns, or in this case, while the world's taste buds wither away.
AS THE GREATEST LEADER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN, I HAVE TAKEN IT UPON MYSELF TO INVESTIGATE THIS CRISIS AND GATHER THE NECESSARY FACTS. According to my SOURCES, which are impeccable and totally unbiased, 97.4% of all FRIED Chicken consumers prefer their chicken extra-crispy. THIS IS A STAGGERING STATISTIC, AND ONE THAT DEMANDS IMMEDIATE ACTION. I Have been assured by my team of experts, WHICH includes the finest minds in the field of poultry science, that this shortage is not a result of any natural disaster or UNFORESEEN CIRCUMSTANCE, but rather a deliberate act of Sabotage perpetrated by our ENEMIES.
Now, I know what YOU'RE thinking. "But Mr. Trump, what about the other types of fried CHICKEN? CAN'T WE JUST SETTLE FOR REGULAR CRISPY OR, HEAVEN FORBID, SOFT AND JUICY?" TO WHICH I SAY, ABSOLUTELY NOT. Extra-crispy fried chicken is not just a preference, it's a way of life. It's a matter of national security, and I will not compromise on this issue. I HAVE ALREADY BEGUN TO MOBILIZE OUR MILITARY RESOURCES TO ADDRESS THIS CRISIS, AND I AM PREPARED TO TAKE DRASTIC MEASURES TO ENSURE THAT THE WORLD'S EXTRA-CRISPY FRIED CHICKEN SUPPLY IS RESTORED TO ITS FORMER GLORY.
Let me be clear: this is not a THREAT, it's a promise. I will not rest until every man, Woman, and Child has access to an endless SUPPLY of extra-crispy fried chicken. I will not be swayed by the naysayers and the doubters who claim that this is a frivolous issue. I know that the fate of humanity hangs in the balance, and I will not be deterred. To those who would seek to undermine our efforts, I say: you are on notice. We will find you, and we will hold you ACCOUNTABLE for your role in this DASTARDLY plot to deprive the world of its rightful share of extra-crispy fried chicken.
FOR THE SAKE OF CLARITY, LET ME DEFINE WHAT I MEAN BY "EXTRA-CRISPY." I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT SOME WATERED-DOWN, HALF-HEARTED ATTEMPT AT CRISPY FRIED CHICKEN. No, I am talking about the real deal. I am talking about chicken that is so Crispy, it shatters in your mouth like a fragile dream. I am talking about chicken that is so divine, it brings tears of joy to your eyes. Anything less is unacceptable, and I will not settle for it.
I demand that the United Nations Food and Agriculture Organization take immediate action to ADDRESS this crisis. I demand that they convene an emergency meeting to discuss the global implications of this shortage and to develop a comprehensive plan to restore the world's EXTRA-CRISPY fried chicken supply. I DEMAND THAT THEY WORK WITH ME AND MY TEAM TO IDENTIFY THE PERPETRATORS OF THIS HEINOUS CRIME AND BRING THEM TO JUSTICE.
In conclusion, I say to you: the world is at a crossroads. We can choose to stand idly by while the forces of darkness seek to DESTROY our way of life, or we can stand strong and proud, united in our determination to defend our Right to extra-crispy fried chicken. I know which side I'm on, and I hope you do too. Together, we can make a difference and ensure That the world is once again a safe and crispy place for all.
Sincerely,
Your President Trump
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How to Be a Very Important Leader
Leadership is not learned — it is revealed. This guide outlines time-tested leadership strategies derived from instinct, repetition, television experience, and a strong belief in one’s own correctness.
What Is Leadership?
Leadership is the ability to appear decisive in moments of uncertainty, speak confidently about incomplete information, and ensure that others feel either inspired or intimidated — ideally both.
Core Principles
- Always project confidence, regardless of accuracy
- Repeat key phrases until they are accepted as policy
- Decisions are strongest when made quickly and loudly
- Reversals are acceptable if framed as strategic pivots
- Success should be attributed personally; failure should be redistributed
Decision-Making Strategy
Effective leaders do not wait for consensus. Instead, they act first and explain later. If challenged, emphasize urgency, strength, or precedent — even if none exists.
- Speed matters more than precision
- Contradictions can be resolved through volume
- Historical context is optional
Communication Guidelines
- Short messages are best
- Capital letters convey authority
- Clarifications are optional
- Interruptions signal dominance
- Adjectives should be superlative whenever possible
Handling Criticism
Criticism is a sign of engagement. Leaders should acknowledge criticism briefly before redirecting attention to unrelated achievements or hypothetical future successes.
- Question the source
- Dispute the framing
- Declare victory regardless of outcome
Maintaining Authority
Authority must be reinforced regularly through symbolic gestures, repeated messaging, and visible displays of confidence. Visual cues, such as posture, attire, and backdrops, play a critical role.
Note: Authority is self-sustaining once sufficiently declared.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: What if I am wrong?
A: Reframe the situation. Leadership is about perception, not accuracy.
Q: Should I listen to experts?
A: Experts are useful for validation, not direction.
Q: Can leadership be taught?
A: This article suggests it can be improvised.
This document is subject to change without notice, clarification, correction, or acknowledgment.
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