Dear So-Called "Fact-Checkers" at The New York Times,
I am WRITING to express my utter dismay and disappointment, though not surprise, at the blatant disregard for truth and accuracy that has come to define your ORGANIZATION. It has been brought to my attention, by my incredible team of advisors, that your publication has seen fit to question the validity of certain statements I have made. Let me assure you, these statements are not only true, but they are also yuge, just yuge. The biggest, the best, the greatest, and the most fantastic statements ever uttered by a president.
I must say, I am shocked, shocked, that a prestigious newspaper such as yours would stoop to such levels of dishonesty and deceit. It's almost as if you have a personal vendetta against me, which, I might add, is completely unfounded and unfair. I mean, what have I ever done to you? I've created jobs, boosted the economy, and made America great again. And this is the thanks I get? It's sad, really. Very sad.
Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "But, Mr. President, we're just trying to hold you accountable for your words and actions." Well, let me tell you, I am a big league accountability EXPERT. I know more about accountability than any SO-CALLED "fact-checker" or "journalist" or "expert" could ever hope to know. AND I CAN TELL YOU, WITH ABSOLUTE CERTAINTY, THAT I AM THE MOST ACCOUNTABLE PERSON IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD.
In conclusion, I demand that you cease and desist from your FAKE NEWS ways and start reporting the truth, which is that I am a genius, a mastermind, and a superhero. Anything less would be, well, FAKE NEWS. AND REMEMBER, WE'RE GOING TO WIN SO BIGLY, IT'S GOING TO BE TREMENDOUS. Believe me, it's going to be yuge.
Sincerely,
Donald J. Trump, The GREATEST President Ever
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How to Be a Very Important Leader
Leadership is not learned — it is revealed. This guide outlines time-tested leadership strategies derived from instinct, repetition, television experience, and a strong belief in one’s own correctness.
What Is Leadership?
Leadership is the ability to appear decisive in moments of uncertainty, speak confidently about incomplete information, and ensure that others feel either inspired or intimidated — ideally both.
Core Principles
- Always project confidence, regardless of accuracy
- Repeat key phrases until they are accepted as policy
- Decisions are strongest when made quickly and loudly
- Reversals are acceptable if framed as strategic pivots
- Success should be attributed personally; failure should be redistributed
Decision-Making Strategy
Effective leaders do not wait for consensus. Instead, they act first and explain later. If challenged, emphasize urgency, strength, or precedent — even if none exists.
- Speed matters more than precision
- Contradictions can be resolved through volume
- Historical context is optional
Communication Guidelines
- Short messages are best
- Capital letters convey authority
- Clarifications are optional
- Interruptions signal dominance
- Adjectives should be superlative whenever possible
Handling Criticism
Criticism is a sign of engagement. Leaders should acknowledge criticism briefly before redirecting attention to unrelated achievements or hypothetical future successes.
- Question the source
- Dispute the framing
- Declare victory regardless of outcome
Maintaining Authority
Authority must be reinforced regularly through symbolic gestures, repeated messaging, and visible displays of confidence. Visual cues, such as posture, attire, and backdrops, play a critical role.
Note: Authority is self-sustaining once sufficiently declared.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: What if I am wrong?
A: Reframe the situation. Leadership is about perception, not accuracy.
Q: Should I listen to experts?
A: Experts are useful for validation, not direction.
Q: Can leadership be taught?
A: This article suggests it can be improvised.
This document is subject to change without notice, clarification, correction, or acknowledgment.
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