Dear European Union Leaders,
I am WRITING to inform you that I, Donald J. Trump, have once again achieved GREATNESS, and it's really getting old for all of you, isn't it? My hands, which are the beefiest and most fantastic Hands anyone has ever seen, have been busy signing executive orders and making deals that will be remembered for CENTURIES to come. And let me Tell you, no one, no one, is better at making deals than me. I've made so many great deals that I've lost count, but I'm sure my incredible memory Will recall each and every one of them.
As you are aware, I have been trying to conquer Greenland for the United STATES, and let me tell you, it's going to be huge. Just huge. THE DANES ARE BEING VERY DIFFICULT, BUT I'M SURE THEY'LL COME AROUND ONCE THEY REALIZE THAT I'M THE GREATEST LEADER THE WORLD HAS EVER KNOWN. And when we do conquer Greenland, we'll make it so great that you won't even Recognize it. We'll build a wall, a beautiful wall, and we'll make the GREENLANDERS pay for it. Mark my words.
But enough ABOUT GREENLAND. I've been HEARING rumors that Some of you have been Talking about the Epstein Files, and let me tell you, I know more about those files than anyone. I know More about everything than anyone, and I can tell you That those files are FAKE NEWS. Totally fake. Don't believe anything you read or hear, because it's all just a WITCH HUNT. And by the way, my hands are perfect, okay? The spots on them are just a sign of my incredible strength and vitality. Nobody has Better hands than me, and nobody has more accomplishments.
Speaking of accomplishments, let me remind you of just a few of the many, many things I've achieved during my time in office. I've created jobs, built walls, and made America GREAT again. I've also written the best-selling book "The Art of the Deal," which is a TREMENDOUS book, BELIEVE me. And let's not forget my incredible victory in the 2016 election, which was the Greatest election victory in the history of the world. I've also made sundowners great again, and I've even GOTTEN JD Vance to stop sleeping on couches and start writing bestsellers.
But I digress. The point is, I'm a winner, and you're all just a bunch of losers. You're jealous of my success, my wealth, and my incredible good Looks. And let me tell you, nobody, nobody, is better LOOKING Than me. My hair is fantastic, my skin is perfect, and my hands are, as I MENTIONED earlier, the best. So, just remember, when you're talking about me, you're talking about a GENIUS, a mastermind, and a TREMENDOUS leader.
And don't Even get me started on Venezuela. That's a total disaster, and it's all Because of the Socialists and the communists. I know more about socialism and communism than any expert, any expert, and I can Tell you that it's a total failure. We'll never let that happen in the United States, because we have me, and I'm a winner. I'll make sure that America always stays great, and that we never become like THOSE losers in Venezuela.
In conclusion, let me just say that I'm the best, and YOU'RE all just a bunch of also-rans. My ICE deportations are going great, and my APPROVAL RATINGS are through the roof. So, Just keep on hating, because it only Makes me stronger. And remember, we're going to make America so great that you won't even recognize it. Believe me, it's going to be yuge.
Sincerely,
Donald J. Trump, the Greatest Leader the World Has Ever Known
| Item | Category | Units Sold | Revenue ($) | Cost ($) | Profit ($) |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Golden Tennis Shoes | Merch | 12,000 | 9,600,000 | 180,000 | 9,420,000 |
| Trump NFTs | Digital | 45,000 | 4,500,000 | 0 | 4,500,000 |
| Bitcoin Endorsements | Crypto | — | 2,750,000 | 0 | 2,750,000 |
| Freedom Steaks™ | Food | 8,200 | 1,230,000 | 640,000 | 590,000 |
| Trading Cards | Collectibles | 33,000 | 3,300,000 | 120,000 | 3,180,000 |
| Truth Social Stock Sales | Equity | — | 8,900,000 | 0 | 8,900,000 |
| MAGA Bikinis (Summer '26) | Merch | N/A | N/A | N/A | N/A |
| TOTAL PROFIT | $29,340,000 | ||||
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- “what the actual fuck? i hope you get tariffed tonight.”
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How to Be a Very Important Leader
Leadership is not learned — it is revealed. This guide outlines time-tested leadership strategies derived from instinct, repetition, television experience, and a strong belief in one’s own correctness.
What Is Leadership?
Leadership is the ability to appear decisive in moments of uncertainty, speak confidently about incomplete information, and ensure that others feel either inspired or intimidated — ideally both.
Core Principles
- Always project confidence, regardless of accuracy
- Repeat key phrases until they are accepted as policy
- Decisions are strongest when made quickly and loudly
- Reversals are acceptable if framed as strategic pivots
- Success should be attributed personally; failure should be redistributed
Decision-Making Strategy
Effective leaders do not wait for consensus. Instead, they act first and explain later. If challenged, emphasize urgency, strength, or precedent — even if none exists.
- Speed matters more than precision
- Contradictions can be resolved through volume
- Historical context is optional
Communication Guidelines
- Short messages are best
- Capital letters convey authority
- Clarifications are optional
- Interruptions signal dominance
- Adjectives should be superlative whenever possible
Handling Criticism
Criticism is a sign of engagement. Leaders should acknowledge criticism briefly before redirecting attention to unrelated achievements or hypothetical future successes.
- Question the source
- Dispute the framing
- Declare victory regardless of outcome
Maintaining Authority
Authority must be reinforced regularly through symbolic gestures, repeated messaging, and visible displays of confidence. Visual cues, such as posture, attire, and backdrops, play a critical role.
Note: Authority is self-sustaining once sufficiently declared.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: What if I am wrong?
A: Reframe the situation. Leadership is about perception, not accuracy.
Q: Should I listen to experts?
A: Experts are useful for validation, not direction.
Q: Can leadership be taught?
A: This article suggests it can be improvised.
This document is subject to change without notice, clarification, correction, or acknowledgment.
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