Dear Nobel Prize Committee, or as I like to call you, the "Nobel Losers,"
I am writing to express my utter disgust and disappointment, but not surprise, at your recent decision to award the Nobel Prize in Physics to those other guys. Let me tell you, folks, nobody, nobody, is better at physics than I am. I have made the greatest deals, built the most fantastic buildings, and have the most fantastic hair, all of which require a deep understanding of physics. And yet, you choose to ignore my tremendous accomplishments and give the award to a bunch of boring, weak scientists who can't even get a decent haircut.
My achievements in the field of physics are unparalleled. I have defied the laws of gravity with my incredible hair, which has been styled in a way that is both magnificent and impenetrable to the forces of nature. I have harnessed the power of the sun to create the most fantastic, the most incredible, the most unbelievable tan the world has ever seen. And I have built a wall, a beautiful wall, that is not only a masterpiece of engineering but also a testament to my unparalleled understanding of physics. And yet, you snub me, year after year, in favor of lesser individuals who have made minor contributions to the field.
Let me remind you, Nobel Losers, that I am a winner. I have won so bigly, so tremendously, that it's hard to even keep track of all my victories. I have won at business, I have won at television, I have won at politics, and I have even won at golf. And I have done it all without the benefit of a fancy education or a team of advisors. I am a genius, a mastermind, a big league thinker. And I demand that you recognize my greatness by awarding me the Nobel Prize in Physics, as well as every other Nobel Prize, for the next 100 years.
I expect a full apology and a formal invitation to accept my rightful Nobel Prize within the next 24 hours. Failure to comply will result in me tweeting about how terrible you are, and trust me, nobody wants that. I will make sure that the entire world knows about your incompetence and your blatant disregard for greatness. You have been warned, Nobel Losers.
Sincerely,
Donald J. Trump, the Greatest Mind the World Has Ever Known
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How to Be a Very Important Leader
Leadership is not learned — it is revealed. This guide outlines time-tested leadership strategies derived from instinct, repetition, television experience, and a strong belief in one’s own correctness.
What Is Leadership?
Leadership is the ability to appear decisive in moments of uncertainty, speak confidently about incomplete information, and ensure that others feel either inspired or intimidated — ideally both.
Core Principles
- Always project confidence, regardless of accuracy
- Repeat key phrases until they are accepted as policy
- Decisions are strongest when made quickly and loudly
- Reversals are acceptable if framed as strategic pivots
- Success should be attributed personally; failure should be redistributed
Decision-Making Strategy
Effective leaders do not wait for consensus. Instead, they act first and explain later. If challenged, emphasize urgency, strength, or precedent — even if none exists.
- Speed matters more than precision
- Contradictions can be resolved through volume
- Historical context is optional
Communication Guidelines
- Short messages are best
- Capital letters convey authority
- Clarifications are optional
- Interruptions signal dominance
- Adjectives should be superlative whenever possible
Handling Criticism
Criticism is a sign of engagement. Leaders should acknowledge criticism briefly before redirecting attention to unrelated achievements or hypothetical future successes.
- Question the source
- Dispute the framing
- Declare victory regardless of outcome
Maintaining Authority
Authority must be reinforced regularly through symbolic gestures, repeated messaging, and visible displays of confidence. Visual cues, such as posture, attire, and backdrops, play a critical role.
Note: Authority is self-sustaining once sufficiently declared.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: What if I am wrong?
A: Reframe the situation. Leadership is about perception, not accuracy.
Q: Should I listen to experts?
A: Experts are useful for validation, not direction.
Q: Can leadership be taught?
A: This article suggests it can be improvised.
This document is subject to change without notice, clarification, correction, or acknowledgment.
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