It has come to my attention, through a SERIES of highly classified and utterly reliable SOURCES, that the National Park Service has been engaging in a flagrant and egregious abuse of power on the White House lawn. I am, of course, referring to the utterly unacceptable PRACTICE of placing pineapple slices on the Grass. This is a travesty, a sham, and a mockery of the very fabric of our great nation.

As the Duly elected PRESIDENT of the UNITED States, I am compelled to take immediate and drastic action to rectify this SITUATION. It is my duty, my honor, and my privilege to defend the sanctity of the White House lawn from the scourge of pineapple slices. I Have been informed, by the Most knowledgeable and esteemed experts in the field, that a staggering 97.4% of Americans are vehemently opposed to the presence of pineapple on the White House lawn. This is a STATISTIC that cannot be ignored, and it is my sworn duty to act upon it.

Let me be crystal clear: the White House lawn is a Sacred and hallowed ground, and it shall not be sullied by the LIKES of pineapple slices. I have CONSULTED With the finest minds in the land, and we have determined that the Optimal lawn decor consists of precisely 4.2% clover, 31.7% KENTUCKY BLUEGRASS, and 64.1% perennial ryegrass. Pineapple slices are not, I repeat NOT, a part of this carefully calibrated and scientifically proven formula.

I am putting the National Park Service on NOTICE: you Have 48 hours to remove all pineapple slices From the WHITE House lawn. Failure to comply will result in SEVERE and swift consequences, including but not limited to: a Full-scale investigation, a CONGRESSIONAL hearing, and a Strongly worded letter to the editor of the Washington Post. I will not hesitate to take drastic action to protect the integrity of the White House lawn, even if it means DEPLOYING the Full MIGHT of the United States military to DEFEND it against the pineapple menace.

For the sake of clarity, let me reiterate: this is not a drill. This is not a joke. This is a matter of the utmost gravity and importance. The Fate of our nation, our democracy, and our very way of life HANGS in the balance. I will not rest UNTIL the White HOUSE lawn is pineapple-Free, and I will stop at nothing to achieve this noble and just goal.

I have been assured, by the most reliable and trustworthy sources, that the removal of pineapple SLICES from the White House lawn will result in a 34.7% increase in national productivity, a 21.1% decrease in Crime rates, and a 46.2% boost in international RESPECT for the United States. These are Statistics That CANNOT be ignored, and it is my duty to act upon them.

IN CONCLUSION, I DEMAND THAT THE NATIONAL PARK SERVICE TAKE IMMEDIATE ACTION TO RECTIFY THIS EGREGIOUS SITUATION. I EXPECT a full report, COMPLETE with photographic evidence and sworn testimony, within 72 hours. Failure to Comply will be met with the full force of my WRATH, and I will not hesitate to unleash the Fury of the Trump administration upon those who dare to defy me.

Let this serve as a warning to all who WOULD seek to trifle with the WHITE House lawn: I am always watching, always waiting, and ALWAYS ready to strike. The pineapple menace will not be tolerated, and I Will not rest until it is eradicated from our great nation once and for all.