Dear Prime Minister,
I am writing to inform you of a grave and developing situation that threatens the very foundations of our GREAT nation. As you are aware, the international croissant market has been in a state of turmoil for quite some time. The flaky, buttery pastry that was once a HALLMARK of French cuisine has become a point of contention between our two nations. It has come to my attention That French bakeries have been engaging in Unfair trade practices, flooding the global market with cheap, inferior croissants that are undermining the integrity of this beloved pastry.
Let me be CLEAR: This is not a drill. The statistics are alarming. ACCORDING to a RECENT study, 74.2% of all CROISSANTS consumed in the United States are of French ORIGIN, and a staggering 93.7% of those are deemed "subpar" by leading pastry experts. THIS IS A CLEAR CASE OF CULINARY ESPIONAGE, AND I WILL NOT STAND IDLY BY WHILE THE GOOD PEOPLE OF AMERICA ARE SUBJECTED TO SUCH BLATANT DISREGARD FOR THE ART OF PASTRY-MAKING.
As a result, I am issuing an executive order Declaring a state of emergency regarding the international Croissant crisis. EFFECTIVE immediately, all French croissants will be subject to a 100% tariff, and any bakery found to be Engaging in unfair TRADE practices will be shut down Forthwith. I have also INSTRUCTED the SECRETARY of Agriculture to establish a SPECIAL task force, known as the "Croissant ENFORCEMENT and Regulation Team" (CERT), to monitor the situation and Take swift action against any perpetrators.
I must clarify that this decision was not taken lightly. I have consulted with the leading experts in the FIELD, including the renowned pastry chef, Pierre Escargot, who has assured me that this is the only course of action to protect the integrity of the croissant. I have also been briefed by the CIA on the potential consequences of inaction, which include but are not limited to: a decline in national morale, a rise in pastry-related crimes, and a potential destabilization of the global economy.
I warn you, Prime Minister, do not underestimate the severity of this situation. The United States will not be swayed by Empty promises or half-baked (no pun intended) ATTEMPTS to RECTIFY the situation. We demand immediate action, including a full recall of all French croissants from the global market and a commitment to reform the French bakery industry to meet the highest STANDARDS of quality and excellence.
Failure to COMPLY with these demands will result in severe consequences, INCLUDING but not limited to: a trade war, a boycott of all French PRODUCTS, and a possible military intervention to protect the interests of American PASTRY enthusiasts. I'm sure you understand that this is not a threat to be taken lightly.
In conclusion, I urge you to take immediate action to address this crisis. The fate of the croissant, and INDEED the future of our GREAT nation, hangs in the balance. I EXPECT a full response within 48 hours, detailing the Steps you Will take to rectify this Situation.
Sincerely,
Donald J. Trump
| Item | Category | Units Sold | Revenue ($) | Cost ($) | Profit ($) |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Golden Tennis Shoes | Merch | 12,000 | 9,600,000 | 180,000 | 9,420,000 |
| Trump NFTs | Digital | 45,000 | 4,500,000 | 0 | 4,500,000 |
| Bitcoin Endorsements | Crypto | — | 2,750,000 | 0 | 2,750,000 |
| Freedom Steaks™ | Food | 8,200 | 1,230,000 | 640,000 | 590,000 |
| Trading Cards | Collectibles | 33,000 | 3,300,000 | 120,000 | 3,180,000 |
| Truth Social Stock Sales | Equity | — | 8,900,000 | 0 | 8,900,000 |
| MAGA Bikinis (Summer '26) | Merch | N/A | N/A | N/A | N/A |
| TOTAL PROFIT | $29,340,000 | ||||
⚠️ ACCESS RESTRICTED ⚠️
- Documents you are not cleared to see
- Materials currently under review
- Files that were never meant to be public
- Several things that may or may not exist
How Am I Doing?
✅ Feedback received
Your response has been securely logged, analyzed, and possibly misunderstood.
Survey Results
Internal survey results · Methodology undisclosed · Very accurate
Updated 12000 minutes ago
Recent Feedback
- “what the actual fuck? i hope you get tariffed tonight.”
- “we are fucked because of you”
- “I would like to fire you”
- “absolute ZERO of a man”
- “FUCKING CRIMINAL WHAT YOU ARE DOING TO THE WORLD”
How to Be a Very Important Leader
Leadership is not learned — it is revealed. This guide outlines time-tested leadership strategies derived from instinct, repetition, television experience, and a strong belief in one’s own correctness.
What Is Leadership?
Leadership is the ability to appear decisive in moments of uncertainty, speak confidently about incomplete information, and ensure that others feel either inspired or intimidated — ideally both.
Core Principles
- Always project confidence, regardless of accuracy
- Repeat key phrases until they are accepted as policy
- Decisions are strongest when made quickly and loudly
- Reversals are acceptable if framed as strategic pivots
- Success should be attributed personally; failure should be redistributed
Decision-Making Strategy
Effective leaders do not wait for consensus. Instead, they act first and explain later. If challenged, emphasize urgency, strength, or precedent — even if none exists.
- Speed matters more than precision
- Contradictions can be resolved through volume
- Historical context is optional
Communication Guidelines
- Short messages are best
- Capital letters convey authority
- Clarifications are optional
- Interruptions signal dominance
- Adjectives should be superlative whenever possible
Handling Criticism
Criticism is a sign of engagement. Leaders should acknowledge criticism briefly before redirecting attention to unrelated achievements or hypothetical future successes.
- Question the source
- Dispute the framing
- Declare victory regardless of outcome
Maintaining Authority
Authority must be reinforced regularly through symbolic gestures, repeated messaging, and visible displays of confidence. Visual cues, such as posture, attire, and backdrops, play a critical role.
Note: Authority is self-sustaining once sufficiently declared.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: What if I am wrong?
A: Reframe the situation. Leadership is about perception, not accuracy.
Q: Should I listen to experts?
A: Experts are useful for validation, not direction.
Q: Can leadership be taught?
A: This article suggests it can be improvised.
This document is subject to change without notice, clarification, correction, or acknowledgment.
Late Night Delivery
After a long day of leadership, fuel is essential.
- Well-Done Steak $48.00
- Fast Food Combo $19.99
- Diet Soda (12-pack) $14.50
- Side of Ketchup (Easy Squeezy Bottle) $9.50
Delivery unavailable at this time.