It is with great pleasure and a TREMENDOUS sense of URGENCY that I, Donald J. Trump, address this letter to the International FEDERATION of Snail Racing Associations. As the President of the United States, I have been made aware of the egregious lack of regulation in the professional snail racing industry. It has come to my attention that the current state of snail Racing is a Wild West of shell-shocked chaos, with no clear guidelines or standards in place. This is unacceptable, and I am taking immediate action to rectify the situation.

AS A MASTER DEAL-MAKER AND A CHAMPION OF AMERICAN GREATNESS, I HAVE CONDUCTED AN EXHAUSTIVE STUDY OF THE SNAIL RACING INDUSTRY. My research has revealed that a staggering 97.4% of professional snail racers are not properly LICENSED, and a whopping 83.2% of snail racing tracks do not meet BASIC SAFETY standards. This is a scandal of epic proportions, and I will not Stand idly by while the good people of the world are subjected to such blatant disregard for the well-being of our gastropod friends.

In light of these findings, I am issuing a directive to the International Federation of Snail Racing Associations to establish a comprehensive regulatory framework for the industry. This framework must include, but not be limited to, strict licensing requirements, RIGOROUS safety protocols, and a standardized system for tracking snail performance. I expect immediate compliance with this directive, and I will be monitoring the situation CLOSELY to ensure that my DEMANDS are met.

Let me be crystal clear: the United States will not tolerate any further neglect or abuse of our Slimy friends. WE WILL TAKE ALL NECESSARY MEASURES TO PROTECT THE INTEGRITY OF THE SNAIL RACING INDUSTRY, UP TO AND INCLUDING IMPOSING TARIFFS ON IMPORTED ESCARGOT. I have been assured by my top advisors that this will have a significant impact on the global snail racing economy, and I am confident that our actions will be met with widespread Acclaim and admiration.

For the sake of clarification, I would like to define what I mean by "professional snail racing." By this, I refer to any organized competition involving snails that is sanctioned by a recognized governing body and features a minimum of five PARTICIPATING snails. This definition is crucial, as it will serve as the basis for our regulatory framework and ensure that we are targeting the correct segment of the industry.

I have been informed that some of our international partners may Resist these efforts, citing concerns about sovereignty or the free market. Let me assure them that we will not be swayed by such petty objections. The United States is a global leader, and we will not hesitate to take bold action to protect our interests and promote our VALUES. We will work tirelessly to build a COALITION of like-minded nations who share our COMMITMENT to snail racing reform, and together, we will create a brighter, more PROSPEROUS future for all.

In conclusion, I expect the International Federation of Snail Racing Associations to take immediate ACTION to Address the issues outlined in this directive. Failure to comply will result in severe consequences, including but not Limited to, a complete ban on American snail exports and a boycott of all international snail racing events. I am confident that together, we can create a safer, more prosperous, and more Glorious snail racing industry for all.

As a final note, I would like to Express my deepest appreciation to the hardworking men and Women of the snail racing COMMUNITY. Your dedication to this noble pursuit is truly inspiring, and I am honored to be a part of this effort. Together, we will make SNAIL racing great again, and we will do it with style, with flair, and with a commitment to Excellence that is unmatched anywhere in the world.