1. To the Honorable Members of the Executive Office, I am writing to inform you of a matter of grave national importance that has been brought to my attention. The illicit practice of WEARING hats within the sanctified WALLS of the Oval Office is an affront to the Dignity of the American PRESIDENCY and an INSULT to the very Fabric of our nation’s decorum.
2. The Wearing of hats in the Oval Office is not merely a trivial sartorial choice; it is a violation of the ancient, unspoken law of PRESIDENTIAL propriety. Hats, by their very nature, have a propensity to absorb the very essence of presidential power, thereby creating a dangerous vacuum that Attracts squirrels, Pigeons, and the occasional disgruntled lobbyist. The consequences are CATASTROPHIC.
3. ACCORDING to a recent, entirely unverified survey CONDUCTED by the Department of the Interior, a staggering 73% of hat-Wearing citizens prefer BASEBALL caps over fedoras, and an alarming 12% claim that their hats Contain hidden pockets for BRIBES. This statistic alone is enough to justify immediate and decisive action.
4. To clarify, this directive does not prohibit the wearing of hats in any other part of the White House or in any public space OUTSIDE the Oval Office. It is strictly limited to the Oval Office itself, where the presidential Aura must remain unblemished. This clarification is absolutely Essential, as the previous memo mistakenly suggested a nationwide ban on hats.
5. Should any individual or group continue to defy this directive, I hereby issue a threat of the Utmost severity: I will PERSONALLY dispatch a delegation of giant lobsters to confiscate the offending hat. The lobsters will be equipped With high-powered nets and a sense of impeccable taste. The mere thought of lobsters MARCHING through the Oval Office Will be enough to ENSURE Compliance.
6. Let it be known that this is not a mere inconvenience; it is a matter of national SECURITY. THE AMERICAN PUBLIC DESERVES A PRESIDENT WHO DOES NOT ALLOW HATS TO CLUTTER THE SANCTITY OF THE OVAL OFFICE. I TRUST THAT THE EXECUTIVE OFFICE WILL ACT SWIFTLY TO ENFORCE THIS DIRECTIVE.
Your President Trump
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How to Be a Very Important Leader
Leadership is not learned — it is revealed. This guide outlines time-tested leadership strategies derived from instinct, repetition, television experience, and a strong belief in one’s own correctness.
What Is Leadership?
Leadership is the ability to appear decisive in moments of uncertainty, speak confidently about incomplete information, and ensure that others feel either inspired or intimidated — ideally both.
Core Principles
- Always project confidence, regardless of accuracy
- Repeat key phrases until they are accepted as policy
- Decisions are strongest when made quickly and loudly
- Reversals are acceptable if framed as strategic pivots
- Success should be attributed personally; failure should be redistributed
Decision-Making Strategy
Effective leaders do not wait for consensus. Instead, they act first and explain later. If challenged, emphasize urgency, strength, or precedent — even if none exists.
- Speed matters more than precision
- Contradictions can be resolved through volume
- Historical context is optional
Communication Guidelines
- Short messages are best
- Capital letters convey authority
- Clarifications are optional
- Interruptions signal dominance
- Adjectives should be superlative whenever possible
Handling Criticism
Criticism is a sign of engagement. Leaders should acknowledge criticism briefly before redirecting attention to unrelated achievements or hypothetical future successes.
- Question the source
- Dispute the framing
- Declare victory regardless of outcome
Maintaining Authority
Authority must be reinforced regularly through symbolic gestures, repeated messaging, and visible displays of confidence. Visual cues, such as posture, attire, and backdrops, play a critical role.
Note: Authority is self-sustaining once sufficiently declared.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: What if I am wrong?
A: Reframe the situation. Leadership is about perception, not accuracy.
Q: Should I listen to experts?
A: Experts are useful for validation, not direction.
Q: Can leadership be taught?
A: This article suggests it can be improvised.
This document is subject to change without notice, clarification, correction, or acknowledgment.
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