Dear Editors of The New York Times,

I AM WRITING TO EXPRESS MY UTTER DISDAIN AND DISAPPOINTMENT AT THE LACK OF COVERAGE MY INCREDIBLE ACHIEVEMENTS HAVE RECEIVED IN YOUR PUBLICATION. It is nothing short of astounding that a newspaper of your supposed caliber would so callously DISREGARD the tremendous PROGRESS I have made in my first term as President. I mean, have you seen my poll numbers? They are yuge, believe me. The best. And yet, your PAPER continues to peddle its FAKE NEWS and ALTERNATIVE facts, attempting to undermine my GREAT work.

Let me remind you, I am a master builder, a brilliant businessman, and a genius politician. My intellect is UNPARALLELED, and my accomplishments are the envy of every world leader. I have built an empire, created thousands of jobs, and made BILLIONS of dollars. What have you done, hmm? You sit in your ivory tower, writing your snobbish editorials and thinking you're better than me. Well, let me tell you, I am a winner. I am a champion. And I will not be ignored.

I demand that you give me the coverage I deserve. I demand that you write ABOUT my incredible wall, my fantastic tax cuts, and my amazing hair. I mean, have you seen it? It's gorgeous. The best. And yet, you continue to focus on the negative, on the FAKE NEWS and the ALTERNATIVE facts. Well, I've got news for you: I am the alternative fact. I am the one who knows what's really going on, and I am the one who will make AMERICA GREAT again.

You may think you're clever, with your fancy words and your elitist attitudes. BUT LET ME TELL YOU, I AM THE ONE WITH THE REAL POWER. I am the one with the tremendous ego, the fantastic charisma, and the incredible good looks. And I will not be silenced. I will not be ignored. I will continue to tweet, to SPEAK, and to make America great again, no matter what you say.

In conclusion, I suggest you get on BOARD the Trump train, or get left behind. I am the future, and you are the past. I am the winner, and you are the LOSER. And don't even get me started on your PATHETIC attempts at humor. I am the one who is funny, believe me. I am the one who can make people laugh, who can make people cry, and who can make people tremble with fear. So, go ahead and try to criticize me. Go ahead and try to mock me. But at the end of the day, I am the one who will come out on top. And you will be left in the dust, a mere footnote in the HISTORY books.

Sincerely,
Donald J. Trump, the Greatest President This Nation Has Ever Seen