To the so-called "experts" on the Pizza Review Committee of New York City, I am writing to express my utter disdain and disappointment at the blatant disregard for my EXCEPTIONAL taste in pizza. It has come to my attention that your committee has seen fit to besmirch the good name of my favorite pizzeria, "Trump's Tremendous Slices," by awarding it a paltry 2.5 stars out of 5. Let me tell you, folks, this is a travesty of epic proportions.
As a master builder, a brilliant businessman, and a connoisseur of the finest cuisine, I can confidently say that my pizza preferences are unmatched. My ability to discern the subtlest nuances in flavor and texture is unparalleled, and my opinion on pizza is the only one that truly matters. And let me tell you, "Trump's Tremendous Slices" serves the greatest, the best, the most fantastic pizza in all of New York City. Believe me, nobody knows more about great pizza than I do.
I demand that your committee reconsider its decision and award "Trump's Tremendous Slices" the 5-star rating it so rightfully deserves. FAILURE to comply will be met with SWIFT and severe consequences, including but not limited to: a series of scathing tweets, a boycott of your committee's favorite restaurants, and a possible rerouting of the next G7 summit to a city with better pizza. You have been warned.
FURTHERMORE, I TAKE UMBRAGE WITH THE COMMITTEE'S ASSERTION THAT MY FAVORITE TOPPING, "TRUMP'S TREMENDOUS TOPPING," IS "AN AFFRONT TO THE VERY CONCEPT OF PIZZA." LET ME TELL YOU, FOLKS, THIS TOPPING IS A GAME-CHANGER. A delicate BLEND of the finest meats, cheeses, and spices, it is the crowning jewel of any pizza. And I SHOULD know, because I am a pizza genius.
In conclusion, I expect a full apology and a revised rating within the next 48 hours. Failure to comply will result in a pizza-related catastrophe of biblical proportions. You have been warned. Sincerely, Donald J. Trump, the greatest pizza connoisseur the world has ever known.
And remember, folks, we're going to make PIZZA great again, and we're going to start by making "Trump's Tremendous Slices" the most celebrated pizzeria in all the land. Believe me, it's going to be yuge.
| Item | Category | Units Sold | Revenue ($) | Cost ($) | Profit ($) |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Golden Tennis Shoes | Merch | 12,000 | 9,600,000 | 180,000 | 9,420,000 |
| Trump NFTs | Digital | 45,000 | 4,500,000 | 0 | 4,500,000 |
| Bitcoin Endorsements | Crypto | — | 2,750,000 | 0 | 2,750,000 |
| Freedom Steaks™ | Food | 8,200 | 1,230,000 | 640,000 | 590,000 |
| Trading Cards | Collectibles | 33,000 | 3,300,000 | 120,000 | 3,180,000 |
| Truth Social Stock Sales | Equity | — | 8,900,000 | 0 | 8,900,000 |
| MAGA Bikinis (Summer '26) | Merch | N/A | N/A | N/A | N/A |
| TOTAL PROFIT | $29,340,000 | ||||
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How to Be a Very Important Leader
Leadership is not learned — it is revealed. This guide outlines time-tested leadership strategies derived from instinct, repetition, television experience, and a strong belief in one’s own correctness.
What Is Leadership?
Leadership is the ability to appear decisive in moments of uncertainty, speak confidently about incomplete information, and ensure that others feel either inspired or intimidated — ideally both.
Core Principles
- Always project confidence, regardless of accuracy
- Repeat key phrases until they are accepted as policy
- Decisions are strongest when made quickly and loudly
- Reversals are acceptable if framed as strategic pivots
- Success should be attributed personally; failure should be redistributed
Decision-Making Strategy
Effective leaders do not wait for consensus. Instead, they act first and explain later. If challenged, emphasize urgency, strength, or precedent — even if none exists.
- Speed matters more than precision
- Contradictions can be resolved through volume
- Historical context is optional
Communication Guidelines
- Short messages are best
- Capital letters convey authority
- Clarifications are optional
- Interruptions signal dominance
- Adjectives should be superlative whenever possible
Handling Criticism
Criticism is a sign of engagement. Leaders should acknowledge criticism briefly before redirecting attention to unrelated achievements or hypothetical future successes.
- Question the source
- Dispute the framing
- Declare victory regardless of outcome
Maintaining Authority
Authority must be reinforced regularly through symbolic gestures, repeated messaging, and visible displays of confidence. Visual cues, such as posture, attire, and backdrops, play a critical role.
Note: Authority is self-sustaining once sufficiently declared.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: What if I am wrong?
A: Reframe the situation. Leadership is about perception, not accuracy.
Q: Should I listen to experts?
A: Experts are useful for validation, not direction.
Q: Can leadership be taught?
A: This article suggests it can be improvised.
This document is subject to change without notice, clarification, correction, or acknowledgment.
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